י״א אייר ה׳תשפ״ו | April 27, 2026
What Are We Teaching Them?
“But I have a gigantic report to do for tomorrow. My teacher also said that she will take no excuses for not having the report in on time and no notes from parents will help. Do you really want me to fail?” Raizel’s big blue eyes were now full of tears.
Things were going wrong right from the beginning. Moishie woke up early in the morning, burning with a fever; he could hardly move. Then, a few minutes later, he began giving back everything he ate; to me, it seemed as if he were giving back everything he had eaten in the last week.
Somehow, I managed to send the rest of the children off to school, to the music of Moishie’s wails and the baby’s cries of neglect. I really shouldn’t complain, because things did settle down by 9:45, when I had to leave for the doctor. I even managed to throw all the bedding and clothes into the washer — the ones that were hit when Moishie didn’t make it to the bathroom.
As usual, the doctor said it was a virus and gave a prescription and diet to be followed strictly. I just made it back in time to let in the plumber who was scheduled to fix the kitchen sink at 11:20. As he arrived at the door, I met him with a baby in each arm, and managed with my last bit of strength to show him what had to be done.
And wouldn’t things like that happen… as I’m rushing back and forth between the plumber and the crying children, I stubbed my toe badly on one of his big, bulky tools. Now I was really full of self-pity. I was limping back and forth between plumber and kids: wash had to be put in the dryer, meat defrosted, supper cooked, beds made… My toe was really bothering me, and I was convinced that I belonged in bed…
I just couldn’t wait for the moment that Raizel would walk in the door. She would understand; she would save the day. What would our house be like without my dear teenage daughter?! The hours slipped by and finally the children started coming home in their usual shifts. I was counting the minutes and the seconds for my dear Raizel…
Until… “Hi, Ma”. Raizel finally walked through the door. “You’ll never guess what I have to do tonight,” she began even before I had a chance to begin my sob story… “We have the biggest report ever due for tomorrow. We have to look up at least five meforshim. It will take me all night even if I begin right away. Is supper ready, Momma?”
“A report like that you have to complete in one evening?” I questioned.
“Actually we did have two weeks, but these last two weeks were packed every night— we had tests or reports, and now this…” she explained. In a few minutes Raizel had gobbled down the supper I managed to put together, some of it eaten while talking to one or another of her friends on the telephone.
“You know, Raizel,” I began, “things were pretty hectic in the house today… Moishe has fever and I stubbed my toe very badly and can hardly walk.”
Raizel looked at me with some measure of pity, but mostly of disbelief. I guess that’s because Raizel very proudly thinks of her mother as some sort of superwoman who manages no matter what. Right after supper, she took out her piles of seforim and papers and her sticking candy — and of course telephone in hand. The wash was not yet put away. Moishe was crying again, and so was the baby; maybe he was catching the virus from Moishie.
The dishes had to be washed and the younger kids put to sleep. “I’ll do the dishes, Raizel,” I began. “I’ll even fold the wash and put it away, all you have to do is put the younger children into pajamas and tuck them into bed, with krias shma of course…”
Raizel looked at me quite puzzled. “I don’t thank you really understand how much work I have to put into this report in order to pass. Mrs. Hefler is a murder teacher. She is going to take off points left and right. Don’t you want me to get a good mark for my report?”
Now Raizel was even more upset than I was. Poor child. She does try very hard to be a top student.
I was now convinced that my toe was really broken. I couldn’t put my foot on the floor at all. The older boys were not coming home from yeshiva until late, and although the middle ones meant well, I couldn’t really rely on them now, with Moishie sick and the baby so cranky. Things in the house got out of control. No one was doing any homework, the four- and five-year-olds got into mischief, and the eight- and nine-year-olds got into a fight— a sibling fight which at this point I had no strength to untangle. I suppose I could have convinced them to help me a little, but they still needed direction, and I was busy with the baby and Moishie. If only Raizel could do it…
The key turned in the door and my husband walked in. My younger ones were still not in bed, the middle ones still fighting. Moishie wailing, the baby the crying, and mommy groaning… and Raizel was crunching her apple and talking on the phone with five different seforim open in front of her and writing and writing and writing.
“What’s going on here?” my husband asks.
I apologize for not feeling well and began a long story of my hectic day and swollen toe. In truth, I just had no more strength to go on…
“Raizel, what’s the matter with you – can’t you help out when your mother doesn’t feel well?” My husband let out his whole disappointment at poor studious Raizel.
“But, Tatty, I have a gigantic report to do for tomorrow. It’s from my hardest teacher and the whole class is working all night at it… My teacher also said that she will take no excuses for not having the report in on time and no notes from parents will help. Do you really want me to fail?” Raizel’s big blue eyes were now full of tears. She had to convince herself and her father that she really wasn’t that bad…
“What kind of report is this anyway? A whole night for one report?” My husband couldn’t understand.
“You don’t understand and Tatty, we need five meforshim – five meforshim!” Raizel said with so much emphasis that you would think the five turned into five hundred. But I guess they were harder to find than to write. “To prove our point we need to write at least five sides and quote five meforshim,” Raizel said, trying to sound as intelligent as she could.
“And what point do you have to prove?” he asked.
“The significance of our topic,” was the reply.
“Now tell me Raizele, what is your topic and what do you have to spend the whole night and five papers and five meforshim to prove?” Raizel did not hesitate, and without the slightest realization of the paradox, the illogic of it, “We have to make a five-page report on kibud av va’eim, respecting and honoring our parents!”
This article first appeared in Di Yiddishe Heim, Autumn 5744 (1983).
COMMENTS
Excellent, and so on point!
This article is off point.
Raizel has not failed to practice kibud av va’eim. She is a responsible student with a real deadline and communicates her situation respectfully. A child’s primary role is her education, while managing the home rests with the parents; in this case, the mother hinted at needing help but did not clearly instruct Raizel to stop and prioritize household needs. Without that clarity, Raizel’s decision to continue her work seems reasonable. To me, the story is less about a lack of respect and more about how expectations need to be clearly defined by the parents in a very hectic household situation.
Like all articles in the Yiddishe Heim from those years, the Rebbe reviewed and approved every one. You might be able to say that the Rebbe didn’t approve every word, the general point of the article was certainly approved by the Rebbe.
You possibly have a point.
But perhaps you will find issue with when the schools have mandatory chesed programs where the students must go somewhere outside the home to do the chesed even in a situation when their help can really be used at home. No exceptions.
You write “A child’s primary role is her education, while managing the home rests with the parents.”
This is exactly the absurdity of “education” today which the article is addressing. True education is not about theory, but about practice.
The Rebbe explained that this is precisely the difference between Torah and other wisdom. Other wisdom can remain in the realm of study but not translate into action, but Torah – milashon horaah – when studied as Hashem’s Torah will lead to a change in behavior.
not to negate that a child should be involved in their education, but the Rebbe consistently emphasized that the primary focus of a woman is being an akeres habayis, with all that entails, and the girls before marriage are preparing for the stage of when they’ll be their own akeres habayis. helping in the house definitely falls under that umbrella, and iirc the Rebbe actually says so explicitly.
I totally agree that the mother should be the akeres habayis and all that. But when the mother is sick it’s the father’s responsibility to pick up the slack. Not the teenager’s. Of course she could and should help a little bit more but she shouldn’t be in charge.
Her report could be
מעשה הוא העיקר on כיבוד אב ואם
5 supporting points today.
1 get younger kids in pajamas
2 get them into bed
3 say shema with them
4 ask there if there is anything else to help
5 get it done.
This article was written in 1983
Did we improve since then?
I love it! So much food for thought with no judgements!
Great read for girls and parents. When not in the moment of pressure- let’s think about how we handle these situations
many husbands think they can just show up at home and everything is magically taken care of. The wife in the story even felt the need to apologize to her husband for not feeling well. (!) Perhaps if the wife is having such struggles with the children, etc., her and her husband have to have a realistic discussion and the father needs to take a more active role in managing the household. I don’t believe the teenage girl has a responsibility more than the husband/father does.
Under normal conditions, a father is busy with supporting his family and Torah learning, providing his family with the financial and spiritual stability that they need.
Contrary to modern thinking, it’s not healthy for a father to spend his time bathing his children and washing dishes. Of course, when the mother cannot manage, he will step in.
Keep in mind as well that in 1983 when the article was written there were no cellphones.
First of all, just because the Rebbe looked over the article, does not mean that he approved what is said.
To me the key issues are:
1. Raizel did not time her responsibilities correctly and left it for the last minute. In this case, she has a duty to help her mother, and will have to explain that she procrastinated for 2 weeks and was unable to complete the report. That would be a good education, that would teach her to be responsible with her time and plan accordingly.
2. While it may be true that the husband has other responsibilities, when there’s a sick child in the house and the wife can’t walk, he has to pick up some slack. I’m not sure why anyone would let him off the hook.
I am the oldest and school allowed me to use my chesed hrs at hone one year when there was a need. Crown heights girls school bH
I’m happy you had that experience. My daughters and other girls we know unfortunately did not receive the same exception. Which causes me to wonder why it needs to be such an exception. If there are little children at home, the best education you can possibly give these teenage girls is to help their mother on a Sunday afternoon.
As a 12th grader when my mother was expecting, it was made very clear to me that I need to shoulder the house while my mother recovered as we didn’t have frum extended family to help out. I was given 2 weeks of “practice,” doing all the laundry plus my regular chores, so I would be ready for the day. I missed several school farbrengens for false alarm labor to babysit at home. When the day finally arrived I was burnt out and resentful of the expectation that I needed to miss school, which I would need to make up, and that it was all on me, with my father not thinking to extend himself at all. My mother didn’t like my attitude so sent me to school and my father was very upset at being so let down and I was very upset at how I had been treated. This led to an emotional shut down between me and my father which took years for us to repair. Did The Rebbe support the notion that husbands should just crack down on the kids, who have their own responsibilities, and not think to help? Sources please if you have. BH my husband steps in wherever he’s needed and I don’t ask him to step in regularly, only when needed, like doing dishes when I was pregnant and didn’t have a dishwasher, and it was hard to stand on my feet. He helps by Pesach too etc. It really increases my respect and admiration of him.
Getting high grades is important if possible, but schools and parents should prioritize and reward Chessed, especially in the home. If you send the message to your own children that grades is the only priority, why would they know differently?