י״ט סיון ה׳תשפ״ו | June 4, 2026
What Our Children Learn When We Criticize Their Schools
“The challenge is not merely what standards we teach our children. The challenge is what attitudes we teach them toward the people responsible for teaching those standards. If we wish to teach our children tznius and respect, those values should be reflected not only in school policies but also in the way we speak about our schools, our educators, and one another.”
By Yosef Horovitz
A veteran mechanech once remarked that every parent meeting eventually reaches the same point. One parent thinks the school is too strict. Another thinks it is too lenient. One family wants more rules. Another wants fewer. By the end of the evening, everyone agrees on only one thing: if they were running the school, it would be much easier.
Of course, if they actually were running the school, they would quickly discover why it isn’t.
Questions about school policies are important. Parents care deeply about their children’s education, and schools should always be willing to listen to thoughtful feedback. No policy is beyond discussion, and no institution is beyond improvement.
Yet there is another question that deserves attention: What happens when conversations about schools become public debates?
A school is not merely a service provider. It is a communal institution entrusted with the education of our children. Teachers and administrators make hundreds of decisions every year, balancing educational goals, parental expectations, student needs, and communal values. Even those who disagree with a particular policy should recognize the enormous responsibility involved.
Constructive criticism has a place. Public frustration, however, often has unintended consequences.
Children notice. Students hear. Respect for educators can be weakened. Confidence in institutions can be eroded. What begins as a discussion about a policy can gradually become a broader skepticism toward authority, standards, and the educational process itself.
That is a price worth considering.
Much is said today about teaching tznius. But tznius is not limited to dress codes or school regulations. Tznius also means dignity. It means restraint. It means understanding that not every disagreement must become a public contest and that not every frustration needs a public audience.
There is also a practical reality. Schools are tasked with educating hundreds of children from diverse homes, backgrounds, and personalities. They are expected to create an environment conducive to growth, learning, and Torah values. To accomplish this, schools inevitably establish policies that go beyond the bare minimum. Whether one agrees with every policy is a separate question. The larger point is that educational institutions cannot function without educational standards.
The Torah way has never been to avoid discussion. On the contrary, Torah thrives on discussion. But there is a profound difference between seeking understanding and seeking validation; between constructive dialogue and public criticism.
Schools should strive to explain their policies clearly. Parents should feel comfortable asking questions. Honest conversations are healthy. They help schools improve and help communities grow.
At the same time, we should be careful not to create an atmosphere in which criticism of schools becomes a form of communal discourse unto itself. A generation raised to question every educator, suspect every standard, and view every policy through a lens of cynicism will not be better educated for it.
The challenge is not merely what standards we teach our children. The challenge is also what attitudes we teach them toward the institutions and people responsible for teaching those standards.
In that sense, the conversation itself becomes part of the lesson.
If we wish to teach our children tznius, dignity, and respect, those values should be reflected not only in school policies but also in the way we speak about our schools, our educators, and one another.
Sometimes the manner in which we conduct the discussion teaches more than the discussion itself.
COMMENTS
I’m not necessarily disagreeing with the point of the article. Rather, I would like to present the other side of the coin.
The relationship between parents and children is built on trust. Children need to feel confident that their parents genuinely have their best interests at heart and that they are guided by principles of honesty, integrity, and justice. When parents publicly support individuals or policies that appear undeserving of that trust, particularly when those same children have been educated to reject corruption or unethical behavior, it can create a profound sense of confusion and disillusionment. In some cases, children may begin to question not only the judgment of their parents but also the values they have been taught.
I have seen this dynamic play out in real time. In the name of kabbalas ol to a hanhalah or institution, parents have sometimes stood by while schools, organizations, and even individual lives were damaged or destroyed. The consequences can be devastating – not only for those directly affected, but also for the next generation, which observes these events and struggles to reconcile what they see with the moral standards they have been taught.
At the same time, there is another side to the discussion. There are situations in which a child can be told that a particular action or decision appears wrong, yet the greater good of the school or community may require refraining from public opposition. One may believe that open conflict or machlokes would ultimately cause greater harm than remaining silent, while still not condoning the questionable behavior itself. In such cases, silence should not necessarily be interpreted as approval.
Furthermore, people can and should remind themselves – and teach their children – that they often do not possess the full picture. Decisions made by a hanhalah may involve information, considerations, or constraints that are not publicly known. Therefore, while it is appropriate to maintain moral clarity and recognize when something appears troubling, it is also important to exercise humility and acknowledge that we may not be in a position to form strong or definitive judgments.
The challenge is finding the proper balance: preserving respect for leadership and communal institutions while also maintaining a commitment to truth, integrity, and accountability. If that balance is not achieved, there is a real risk that children will perceive inconsistency between the values they are taught and the actions they witness, which can undermine the trust upon which both families and communities depend.
very well said
and always stand up for those
who dont have a voice
So much better to call out corruption and unfairness and tell your child the truth than to blindly and mindlessly stand by the actions of administration which are wrong at best and sometimes life damaging as well.
In the future, if my child, copying the behavior I have modeled, “calls out corruption and unfairness” and tells his child the “truth” about what he (mistakenly) deems a “wrong” or “life-damaging”action of mine, should I explain that he doesn’t know all the information that my action was based on, or should I praise him for not “blindly and mindlessly stand[ing] by”?
“Wrong at best”?!
We obviously don’t reside in the same universe
Kids whose parents develop positive, respectful relationships with the teachers do much, much better in school, both academically and behaviorally!
Essentially what you’re saying is, “If you’re a mentch, high chances that your kids will be mentchen as well”. Very true indeed
I don’t think this article was dealing with how we relate to schools in front of our kids, which requires a separate discussion, especially what do we do when it seems like they did something which is wrong in our eyes, or in our kids eyes.
I believe the article is addressing the public bashing of schools on public forums. Nowadays, with a plethora of websites and social media, everybody has that has an axe to grind could write public op-eds and write whatever they want about our mosdos, and our kids swallow all of that together with all the foolish comments. All it does, is help reinforce their negative attitude to the school. That is something serious to consider.
Particularly if we are addressing the topic of tznius, now they have an excuse why they don’t have to listen to school tznius rules. They even can say that everybody agrees with them because look how many comments were written..
Some may not realize is that when a child hears a parent criticizing the school or teacher about a particular issue, the child may begin to lose respect not only for that specific decision, but also for the school, the teacher, and all they represent. Over time, this can undermine the child’s attitude toward authority in general. Often, it can weaken the child’s respect for the parent themselves.
If there is a concern which requires attention, it is better to address it respectfully directly with the school, in a way that does not involve the child.
On a related note, many children unfortunately do see their parents’ messages. Before posting criticism in a parent group, keep in mind that by the children of other parents.
Only you –
Are the parents !!
Stand up for your children strongly !
You are the only one they have and the only one that will treat them with the greatest support.
At the end of the day a school can make decisions based on the overall school and not for the good of YOUR child.
Please don’t take from the article to just be obedient to whatever school says and does about your trial. Fight strong for your children just do it respectfully.
The flip side is :
that if teachers / schools /mashpiim speak about certain behaviors or people with disapproval the child looses respect for the teacher and the subject learned.
Imagine a child with a parent who trims and the teacher expresses something judge mental or negative about this behavior not in a respectful way .the child feels there is more than teaching values here there are “shtecheray” jabbing one another .
There was a teen that didn’t want to learn Tanya because when he was in 7th grade he had a very rigid judgmental teacher and he said if that is a person who teaches Tanya count me out .
If someone in a chabad house did it we would give them love -let’s treat the community the same.
It’s the only way to make things better and for growth to happens
Someone could have had – and still can have – a discussion with the teen about how an imperfect Yid teaching a subject (or representing a way of life) in a negative way does not automatically mean that the subject (or the way of life) is flawed.
There is no school of any kind that accepts constructive criticism.
So at a bare minimum, when a teacher says something that is absolutely incorrect, that mistake will be corrected at home.
From my experience, your first paragraph is incorrect
The Rebbe was responsible for producing this publication in both Jewish and English, the English section carrying the name the Jewish Home. There are many articles there and occasionally up at two. But I am almost certain there was never an article that criticized the way our schools manage behavior, etc. The Rebbe painstakingly edited these magazines word by word. Do you think the Rebbe would approve of articles criticizing the way our schools are dealing with tznius or other such examples as is rampant lately on social media and our websites? If all the articles in the websites would go through the Rebbe’s approval, how much of it do you think would not be there? I believe those responsible for the Chabad media need to consider it before every article, as though this is being submitted for the Rebbe approve, read over and then determine if it should be published. That is my point.
Putting down other shomrei shabbos, analyzing/criticizing other kehillas’ or perspectives within Lubavitch approach, or even saying at home soup is too salty or at a restaurant it’s too expensive or the service isn’t good. Keep positive and grateful. Don’t train to complain. Solution oriented with Hashem’s brocha and the Rebbr’s brocha and consultation with mashpia. . Moshiach now.
Thank you for writing and saying this!
Signed,
A school administrator who is so burned out by constant criticism and parents who badmouth the school all over town and then wonder why their kids are obnoxious and chutzpadik!