ד׳ אלול ה׳תשפ״ו | August 17, 2026
The Rebbe Wanted Bochurim to Marry at Age 20
“I recently discovered a remarkable recording of the Rebbe that seems to have gone unnoticed until now. The Rebbe describes the thoughts of a young bochur about marriage at 20 years old, the age mentioned by Chazal as the appropriate time for marriage.”
By Rabbi Yitzchok Elishevitz – Mashpia in Kiryat Gat
I recently discovered a remarkable recording of the Rebbe that seems to have gone unnoticed until now. It is from the Rebbe’s farbrengen Zos Chanukah 5739.
Five and a half minutes into the second sicha, the Rebbe describes the thoughts of a young bochur about marriage at 20 years old, the age mentioned by Chazal as the appropriate time for marriage.
In this remarkable sicha, we gain insight into how the Rebbe viewed the ideal path toward marriage, as the Rebbe describes the thoughts and expectations of a young bochur.
The Rebbe is describing the thought process of a bochur who is thinking about the future. “In the course of time he will be 18 years old and ready for the chuppah, and afterward he will be 20 years old, with the strength and ability to pursue all that comes with it.”
Then, after another two or three years, when he reaches the age of 22 or 23, he begins to worry about how he will support his wife and household. The Rebbe explains that as long as the family is still small, there is not as much pressure regarding livelihood, as the Alter Rebbe writes in Hilchos Talmud Torah.
The Rebbe continues by describing a situation in which, during seder, the bochur is sitting and staring at the ceiling instead of learning, and the Rebbe questions the mashpia for not ensuring that the student is properly focused on his studies.
According to this sicha, it appears that the Rebbe’s view was that bochurim today should marry around age 20, and by 22 or 23, he will already have a wife and family.
The sicha was delivered just two weeks after the Rebbe and Rebbetzin’s golden wedding anniversary on Yud-Daled Kislev 5739. This also brings to mind the 25th anniversary, on Yud-Daled Kislev 5714, when the Rebbe spoke about the practice established by the Rebbe Rashab and the Frierdiker Rebbe that “after the age of twenty, one should begin looking for a shidduch.”
The recording also highlights another point. When the Rebbe later spoke, on Motzaei Shabbos, 27 Shevat 5739, about bochurim traveling overseas, the Rebbe said: “A bochur at the age of 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, who is sitting in yeshiva, his concern is to learn Torah,” notably not continuing to mention older ages.
Despite the fact that the chinuch of bochurim is founded on dedication to the Rebbe’s wishes, and despite the growing awareness in recent years of the Rebbe’s approach regarding marriage around the age of 20, there is still no established yeshiva track structured around this timeline.
It appears that there is sometimes a tendency to overlook the challenges that can result from delaying marriage beyond the age of 20. However, as the Rebbe writes in Igros Kodesh (letter #5,975), one must adhere to the well-known teachings of Chazal, referencing Kiddushin 29b. The Rebbe emphasizes that these teachings apply to all Jewish communities, including Chabad, and that one should not delay marriage beyond this age.
When bochurim become engaged earlier, it can also help address the challenges of shidduchim for young women.
By fulfilling the Rebbe’s wishes, we become more worthy of receiving the Rebbe’s blessings. And as the Rebbe writes (Yud Shevat 5746): “In our times, whoever marries as early as possible.. is praiseworthy… and Chazal say that the completion of the ‘souls in the body’ brings Moshiach, the true and complete Geulah.”
COMMENTS
It is well known what the Rebbe writes in Igros that it is a big doubt if a 21 year old bahur is mature enough to get married.
for those of us that dont know the well known stuff, can you please post source
Can you post the Igros letter where the rebbe questions the maturity of a 21 year old?
And the link from sicha of 5739
Back in the day, women didn’t typically work, were not “educated”, and didn’t have as many “prospects” to choose from (the top bochurim they saw were still close to the medium bochur) now all that has changed — so most girls are either on par with their counterpart bochurim or (due to age and majority) ahead of them
The only real answer is to really work with bochurim to be the best that they can be – prepare them as much as possible, and even that won’t fix the issue, it will just make it a little bit less of an issue
So pushing bochurim to get married younger could actually make the problem bigger
There was a letter put out about 15 years ago signed by many prominent Chabad Rabbonim that bochrim should marry at age 20 already. If I recall correctly the call was for bochrim that were not learning in a fixed seder yeshiva but rather out there in the world already and therefore should be pursuing marriage. Granted if a bochur is still learning seriously in a yeshiva environment then the urgency is not pressing and could be postponed meanwhile.
Here is a copy of the letter:
Rabbis Urge to Marry Young
An unprecedented call uniting Chabad rabbonim and mashpi’im from around the world is calling on Lubavitch bochurim not to delay marriage.
February 10, 2012 – 17 Shevat 5772
Marriage is a union between man and woman. The discussion of marriage seems to have a uniting effect as well.
Chabad rabbonim and mashpi’m from across the ideological spectrum and geographical boundaries joined for an unprecedented call to action titled “Order of the Day.”
Growing weary of the influence Western society has on the frum community and the growing number of singles, 33 rabbis signed two letters urging marriage at an “early” age.
“In recent decades, an opinion has taken root in the community that advocates marriage at a late age. Supposedly, a bochur should be 23-24 until he can marry and build a Jewish home,” the document reads.
Among the signers were Rabbi Shlomo Zarchi and Rabbi Michoel Golumb of 770 Yeshiva, Rabbi Manis Friedman and Rabbi Shlomo Majesky who both lead women’s institutes, Crown Heights dayan Rabbi Shlomo Segal, Kfar Chabad Mashpia Rabbi Zalman Gopin and Toronto Rosh Yeshiva Rabbi Akiva Wagner.
Citing the Mishna, Gemara and Shulchan Aruch, they state that “early marriages are a guarantee for purity and holiness, and prevent a lot of unwelcome things.”
They also quote letters of the Rebbe, expressing his wish that Ashkenazim in this generation would adopt the custom of other streams to marry young.
“The justification for postponing marriage (as ruled in Shulchan Aruch) is when a bochur wants to sit and study Torah, without having “a millstone around his neck.” But if he is not sitting and studying Torah day and night – he has no excuse to avoid marriage,” they added.
HALACHIC RULING
A second letter was written by rabbis and poskim, among them Miami Rabbi Leibel Schapiro, Cleveland Rabbi Sholom Ber Chaikin, California Rabbi Yosef Shusterman, Toronto Rabbi Dovid Schochet, Crown Heights Rabbi Yaacov Schwei and Rabbi Yosef Braun, and London Dayan Levi Raskin.
Signers from Israel were Rabbi Yitzchok Yehuda Yeruslavsky of Beis Din Chabad in Israel, Kfar Chabad Rabbi Mordechai Shmuel Ashkenazi, Bnei Brak Rabbi Moshe Landa and Kiryat Gat Rabbi Moshe Havlin.
They write:
“Unfortunately, a situation has been created in recent years that Talmidei hatmimim, who are in the later phase of Yeshiva, don’t return to an appropriate structure in a Yeshiva.
“And this period before their engagement and before their marriage isn’t organized properly as a preparation for building their home in marriage.
“And for the sake of the home that they are destined to build with G-d’s help, advancing the time of their marriage and interest in shidduchim at an earlier age, will surely benefit that the building of their home will be with the blessing of the Rebbe.”
The initiator of this rare call was Rabbi Yochanan Gourarie, Chief Rabbi of the City of Holon who has a Chabad Yeshiva under his auspices.
“The generation has changed,” he said in an interview. “It’s not like it once was. Today, the less one ‘roams around’ – the better, especially those who have ended their kevutzah / yeshiva years.
“For a boy and a girl, the sooner they can get married – the better,” he says and plans to send the letters by post to Lubavitchers in Israel.