“What are the good qualities to look for in a Shidduch?” the Rebbe writes in reply to a young woman seeking guidance in this matter. This week’s Rebbe Responsa contains advice from the Rebbe on what are the important things to look for when seeking a life partner.
Rebbe Responsa
The Rebbe on what to look for in a Shidduch [prospective marriage partner]:
“What are the good qualities to look for in a Shidduch?” the Rebbe writes in reply to a young woman seeking guidance in this matter, “first and foremost the person should be trustworthy, so that he could fully be relied upon in all his promises relating to the establishment of a truly Jewish home, a Binyan Adei Ad [everlasting edifice].”
“The maximum assurance that he is indeed such a person,” the Rebbe continues, “is when he is religious, and his whole life, in every aspect of the daily life, is directed by the Torah and Mitzvoth.”
“For in such a case, one can be fully certain that he is not motivated merely by the opinions of other people, but considers these matters as a sacred Mitzvo, commanded by G‑d. Having ascertained this first and primary quality, it is then possible to consider also what additional qualities a person has.”
Never limit yourself to an exact picture of a spouse. On the contrary, “in matters of a Shidduch, as in any other thing, it is no good limiting oneself, or limiting G-d’s help, to any particular and narrow objective.”
After the recipient was offended when the Rebbe wrote to her that she should not look for a Rabbi, the Rebbe further clarified his reasoning, “We should not limit the Almighty in any particular way, nor insist on certain conditions, for no human being knows exactly what is best for him, and must leave it to G-d.”
The Rebbe wrote in reply to a young woman with a limp, “You are quite right in disregarding the ill advice of ‘take what you can get.’ It is contrary even to good reason, and certainly from the point of view of our Torah, Toras Chayyim, our way of life.”
“First and foremost attention should be given to the inner qualities of the young man,” the Rebbe continued advising this broken young woman “that is to say, those which are essential to the setting up of a true Jewish home; hence external qualities and appearances are absolutely unimportant.”
”Since marriage is… [a] commandment of the Creator,” the Rebbe concluded, ”which makes it certain that the possibility for it is also Divinely provided, as otherwise, such a commandment would have been unjust and illogical — I am certain that your limp will not be a handicap for a truly suitable Shidduch.”
The heart matters greatly. If there is no emotional attraction to each other a marriage can’t last. Therefore, although the heart should naturally follow the mind, as explained in Chassidus, when this is not so, a shidduch cannot move forward.
In other words, if a partner understands the amazing qualities of the other partner, yet, being that he lacks perfection, does not feel attracted to her, he cannot proceed with the Shidduch. For he must “listen also to the voice of the heart.”
Knowing what is important a lot of secondary matters become insignificant. “The fault with the suggested person,” the Rebbe writes “namely, that he does not speak English perfectly, surely is not sufficient grounds for disregarding the propositions.”
“Although this should be obvious enough, it would be well to impress upon that lack of perfection in English is of hardly any consequence in the matter of a Shidduch, where fundamental and important considerations should come first, and where everything else is suitable, the said fault is not a serious matter at all.”
The Rebbe was asked several times whether an orthodox man could marry a non-religious woman or vice versa. The answer was usually consistent even for one who promises to mend his or her ways (this advice is understandably different than a couple whom one of the spouses started becoming more religious):
“It is… understandable that when a person promises to commit himself fully to Torah and mitzvot in his daily life at some future date, this promise can be valid only if he knows from experience what such a promise entails.”
“Since such a commitment would entail a radical change in his way of life,” the letter continues, “coming after years of living according to a fixed pattern, he cannot — however well-meaning he may be — have a real idea as to whether or not he would be able to carry it out”
“Only after he actually puts himself to the test for a substantial length of time will he be qualified to decide whether or not he can accept upon himself such a commitment for the rest of his life.”
Continuing the above letter the Rebbe makes a crucial point that can be applied more broadly “marriage… should not be tied in with any expectation to educate, or re-educate, the would-be partner — especially where such education would be required at almost every step.”
“Human nature is such”, the Rebbe ends off “that when a person is pressured into making concessions for the sake of another person — every day and many times a day — without as yet seeing any reason for doing it except to please the other partner, this is not a healthy situation, and it is bound to generate resentment and disharmony, etc.”
Rebbe Responsa kindly requests anyone who may be in possession of letters of the Rebbe in English, to send them by email so that these unique treasures can benefit the public.
These selected letters are sourced from the extensive collection of over 5,000 English letters written by the Rebbe, accessible through the Rebbe Responsa app.
Click here to download the booklet.
Click here for PDF in booklet format.
Click here to view all previous editions.
Click here to view other letters in connection with the Parsha
To subscribe to the weekly publication by Email sign up here. Reach out to dedicate an issue.
The following words in the above article “If there is no emotional attraction to each other a marriage can’t last.” Is not from the Rebbe (as far as I can see) and therefore not necessarily true…