ז׳ אלול ה׳תשפ״ה | August 30, 2025
Attendance Charts Don’t Shape Neshamos
Over the past few years, I’ve been exerting my energies into Chinuch: helping bochurim, trying to be there for them, and, maybe a little too ambitiously, trying to change “the system”. One idea that I keep coming back to is what I call “Discretionary Chinuch.”
Over the past few years, I’ve been exerting my energies into Chinuch: helping bochurim, trying to be there for them, and, maybe a little too ambitiously, trying to change “the system”. One idea that I keep coming back to is what I call “Discretionary Chinuch.”
By a Yungerman
Over the past few years, I’ve been exerting my energies into Chinuch. It hasn’t just been a job — it’s been my passion since I was very young. I’ve poured everything I have into helping bochurim, trying to be there for them, and, maybe a little too ambitiously, trying to change “the system”.
One idea that I keep coming back to — something I’ve tried to put into practice and share with others — is what I call Discretionary Chinuch.
The idea is pretty simplistic, but it changes everything. In schools, every single decision that needs to be made regarding a student should be filtered through discretion — not just through automatic rules or blanket policies.
So often, the system runs on autopilot: you come late, you get marked late. You don’t hand in work, you get a consequence. You break a rule, here’s the punishment. It’s clean and consistent, but it’s also blind.
But bochurim are not robots. Every Talmid has his own story, his own struggles, his own reasons. And if we don’t stop to recognize that before we act, then we risk missing the entire point of Chinuch.
Take something as small as lateness. One boy rocks up late because he was wasting time and didn’t care. Another boy shows up late because he’s helping his family at home in the mornings. On paper, both are “late.” In reality, they could not be more different. The boy helping his family, as a one-off, because one parent is away, and the other needs help, should be encouraged to stay home!
If we treat them the same, are we really being fair? Or are we just hiding behind “the rules” because it’s easier than thinking?
Discretionary Chinuch says: look at the whole picture. Don’t just punish. Don’t just enforce. Step into the situation, try to understand it, and then respond in a way that will actually help the boy move forward. Sometimes that means being firm. Sometimes that means being gentle. Sometimes it means just being human.
I’m not saying schools shouldn’t have rules. Without structure, everything falls apart. But rules should be tools, not chains. They should guide us, not tie our hands.
Discretion doesn’t mean “anything goes.” It means that instead of reacting automatically, we respond thoughtfully. It means that the goal isn’t to prove that we’re in control — it’s to help a bochur grow.
And honestly, isn’t that what life is? Life itself runs on discretion. Hashem judges with mercy, not just strictness. If our Chinuch doesn’t reflect that, what are we teaching our Talmidim?
- A teacher sitting down with a boy before handing out a consequence and asking, “What’s really going on?”
- A hanhala meeting that doesn’t just say, “This is the policy,” but instead asks, “What’s right for this boy, right now?”
- A culture where students know that even if they slip, they won’t just be written off. They’ll be seen.
At the end of the day, Chinuch isn’t about attendance charts, test scores, or how many detentions we handed out. It’s about shaping our Talmidim. It’s about guiding them to the future that will be the best for them.
When a bochur knows that the people around him are actually thinking about him — his situation, his needs, his future — it changes how he feels about school, about authority, and maybe even about himself.
That’s what Discretionary Chinuch is. It’s a mindset that says: before we act, we think. Before we punish, we understand. Before we enforce, we ask — what will actually help this boy?
Because if we don’t do that, then what are we really doing here?
COMMENTS
Wow! I have been thinking alot about this lately! You explained it so simply and so clearly! You expressed exactly what chinuch should really be! Halevai, all principals from all divisions, in all of our mosdos, would put this into action!
Good luck running a school with a few hundred kids, each with their own rules.
The large schools are a part of the problem! It doesn’t matter how many staff you have, in a very large school, students feel like a number. They need to break them down into smaller divisions/mosdos.
Personally, I don’t see much innovation in this article. Yeshivahs have for many years already been filtering through based on a bochur situation.
The marking late onto itself has to be as a starter, same for all. Because you’re simply ✍️ the facts. And in the real world when you don’t show up for an appointment, you didn’t show up.
As far as how to react to the student missing or being late, there you can be a bit flexible.
This is 100% correct, and to do so requires backbone and self confidence not to run and hide behind a policy, something that many “mechanchim” or those in leadership lack. Hopefully this will open some eyes. Thank you for this.
It reminds me of what Reb Meilech AH told the staff of AARTS when they asked to see test scores for the bochurim in the yeshiva, “We are dealing with neshamos!”
Some people might think it’s just an excuse for hefkeirus, but the truth is that people are complicated, and charts of attendance or performance make staff and parents feel like it’s under control, but it means very little for the long term benefit for the bochur.
A caring mashpia will be less “on top of things,” but will have a lasting and transformative effect on a bochur.
While you have the right approach:
1. You don’t offer any advice or ideas how to implement this
2. You clearly have never been the one responsible to execute this, had you been you would know, that while ideally this is the best way to do things, it’s not always practical, the one in that position usually doesn’t get payed enough to start spending his whole personal break dealing with 1 out of 10 bochurim that came late for example, bochurim take advantage etc.
3. Maybe put your info out there and you can be hired to implement this important change
Best of luck
Hi All!
Firstly, I am really appreciative of the feedback that I received here. It is very useful.
After ‘surviving’ some incredibly horrible experiences in the education system, I am here to do whatever I can to help make change.
So, I encourage any and all people to contact me, at: [email protected]
Again, my only hope is to do whatever is possible to make positive change and do what is right for the Bochurim, which is ultimately what the entire ‘system’ is focused around (or should be).
I have dozens of ideas and articles ready to go, but ultimately, the question is ‘what can I do that will ACTUALLY MAKE A DIFFERENCE…?’.
So please, again, contact me on [email protected]
Thank you!
We need to see schools differently. Just like we spend so much time and effort on outreach programs, Lets focus some of the effort back internally. We need to spend at least the last year of zal mentoring bachurim to be mashpiyim. Not just be enforcers or go betweens for mesivta hanhala. There should be an interview process before being selected to a certain school as a bachur out of zal. (For both sides). Tour the mesivta. Will they be the right fit where they can influence the boys in the way that makes the biggest impact? If every neshama is a world, how can we possibly continue allowing so many children to fail in our system? Different tracks, different expectations but one goal, to get the most out of each child in a healthy manner so they can fulfill their purpose.
Nice Article. there are two points here.
Systems and relationships.
The rebbe did not give Chanuka Gelt to bochurim that were not on time and stopped when the hanhala added bochurim who were not there.
The Rebbe called R’ Pinye Korf a Ben Yochid becuase he was the only one by chassidus after a Farbrengen.
When you have a system specificallly attendence it supports self discipline and growth without a system you have chaos.
that said obviously it needs to be accompanied by connection and interest.
in the army they have discipline and on the one hande there is no excuses on the other hand some people love thier mefakid and thier platoon because of the relationships that were develop.
Strongly dissagree. In general in life and for sure in Torah there are rules which apply to everyone equally.
And in Yeshivos the hanhala is very rarely mean or trying to get you, if a boy has a good reason he can’t make it, first of all he should get Reshus and if he has a valid reason he will almost always receive reshus. and even if he doesn’t get permission if he explains why he didn’t come they will understand. And usually bichlal issues are only made when someone keeps on missing time again and again.
Hi ‘Other Yungerman’.
Thank you for your response.
I am really glad to see that this article has triggered a large response, and even a ‘response article’!
I’d like to respond to you by saying that my ideas and shittos are grounded in my personal experiences. So to say “issues are made when someone keeps on missing time again and again” annoys me, because in my case (which had nothing to do with attendance), the issues at hand were not my fault, it was just a terrible educator.
I have multiple people who vouch that.
However, this is not an argument. It is a fact.
Whilst a guideline of rules is not only important, but IMPERATIVE, there must be at lease a level of flexibility that will allow for Bochurim to ‘be themselves’.
I would like to continue this conversation with you, so you are welcome to contact me ‘[email protected]’.
Hatzlocha!
When the boys have the right mashpia they will want to succeed. Have enough bachurim who have actually learned how to influence the boys and connect on their level. This fill fix most things milehatchila.
Look into Mesivta Bais Shalom of Postville! This is exactly how they deal with discipline, they look at each bochur and situation as an individual. Yes, there are rules which are enforced. And at the same time, a bochur’s situation is looked at and spoken about to understand the why behind the behavior.
https://www.mesivtapostville.org/
Beis Chaya Mushka in CH has a policy where a parent can email the office with an excuse for lateness if it is before 10am. Many times I have had to excuse my daughter because she had an early appointment or had a hard time sleeping the night before due to anxiety or chest pain, etc. They are willing to let parents be involved as to the legitimacy of a lateness.