From the Anash.org inbox: A concerned parent feels the stress of marrying off children and wonders why the shadchanim aren’t giving out names like they used to in the past.
By A Mother of Older Singles
I want to start by saying that I am very grateful to Shadchanim for their time and the efforts they put into their work. I’m one that believes that Shadchanim should be paid for their efforts, even when a shidduch doesn’t work out.
That being said, in my many years of experience marrying off my children, I’ve noticed that a lot has changed since my older children got married more than a decade ago.
In the past, when I reached out to Shadchanim regarding one of my children, they provided names for me to go through and then would tell me something about each name.
Nowadays, I barely encounter that anymore. I call many different Shadchanim and they are not providing me with names -if I come to them prepared with a specific name to inquire about, they might send me a profile and picture but don’t help with much more.
When I call asking them for names/ideas, the answer from most Shadchanim is “I’m thinking.” I usually don’t hear back from them unless I reach out days, weeks, or months later, and most times the answer is “I’m still thinking!”
How are we, the parents, supposed to know names of eligible boys and girls? Isn’t that what Shadchanim are for? I’ve spoken to friends and relatives and they are all equally frustrated.
So much precious time is being wasted. So many young people are waiting to be matched up. What can be done about this?
There will be more names if there are less limitations on whose names shadchans know parents would feel comfortable hearing. This may be a bit radical but, for the sake of our children, can we hear…?
Shadchans can name singles who are yirei shamayim if they know we are open to hearing the name of a single who is a bal or balas teshuva, a ger or gioress. They can name singles who work on their middoth and emotions and don’t take marriage for granted but really try to learn how to make it work if they know we will hear names of singles whose parents are divorced.
This isn’t so radical, but still relevant to some: They can name singles who learned from home to be committed to growth and willing to make positive changes if they know we will hear names of singles whose parents are balei teshuva. Which “categories” of more names of wonderful singles who our children might really appreciate can we let the shadchans know we are open to? Plenty including: Often children are interested in meeting people whose level of chassidishkeit seems different than what we value. But we have to remember that our children aren’t our clones. Hashem makes shidduchim. We just need to do our part as parents, with bitachon and seeing our children for who they are, where they’re at so to speak, and what is important to them with acceptance. Let’s talk to our children about it. Let’s listen. Let’s hear.
When they were younger, they likely felt most comfortable meeting someone with a very similar background. It’s quite understandable. But as they become older sometimes their ideas about who might be right for them can expand. That needs to be honored and we can let shadchans know that there are more names they can redt. There are the names. There are…
I feel your anguish!
1) Go on ChabadMatch and search for shadchanim you haven’t spoken to before. A mother cold-called me today, for a girl who’s mid-20s. She had seen my name on ChabadMatch. I”m not a big shadchan and don’t have any singles’ names for her — also because the mothers of sons whose backgrounds are similar to her daughter’s don’t reach out to me… But I gave her contact info for 4 shadchanim she’d never spoken to/heard of before. I hope they can help her. I will look out for her daughter, meanwhile, IYH.
2) If you haven’t yet, contact Yehudis Bluming at 919-357-5904 and ask to be added to her whatsapp Shidduch group. Over 1000 shadchanim and “influencers” (people trying to help with shidduchim) will see the profiles you post. And encourage your friends and family to do the same.
3) If you haven’t already, post your singles’ profiles for free on BashertNow. {And of course, on ChabadMatch — $25 one-time fee.] Go to bashertnow.org and follow the prompts to fill out their form and add photos. Hundreds of shidduchim have been made because people saw profiles on that site — including a shidduch I made of two singles who posted exclusively through them B”H.
4) Encourage the young couples you know to network (husband and wife together) and give you names of good eligible singles who would fit your child. They are a great resource! I wish all newlyweds would realize what a terrific mitzvah they can do by just making lists of their single friends and trying to match them up — and networking with their friends. Someone suggested couples meeting once a month or so with a few other couples and networking, men with men and women with women, to jumpstart ideas.
5) REMEMBER that shadchanim are working even when you don’t realize it. We simply get a lot of “no” answers, unfortunately, so we have no reason to call you back. I tried to help a girl this week and got two “no” answers, although on paper the ideas were good. So disappointing.
6) This is not meant for moms of girls who aren’t getting any names, but it’s important for some people to TAKE TO HEART: in many cases, the reason older singles aren’t moving forward (and often it’s the guys) is because they’re “stuck.” Something is holding them back: whether it’s unrealistic expectations, or personal issues, fear of commitment, or whatever it is. If an older single is being given name after name and saying no to most of them, or is dating one person after the next and saying no, throwing more names at them isn’t going to solve the problem. Someone close to them must put a caring arm around them and convince them to get coaching, or therapy, or whatever it takes so they can get “unstuck” and get to the chuppah IYH soon.
7) Many people you don’t even know are davening for your singles and networking as much as possible. May Hashem hear our tefillos and reward our efforts! Besoros tovos!
I apologize. I re-read what I wrote. Correction: A single from a divorced home who grew up in the system does not have a “radically” different background than a single from an intact home who grew up in the system like for example, a single who became a shomer Torah u’mitzvoth in his or her twenties (who could be the right match but it’s clear that the background is different). The difference (not so radical) with someone who grew up in a divorced home but in the system is that it’s clear that the single from the divorced home has faced and found ways to overcome challenges. The single from the intact family also has challenges until Moshiach comes. It’s just not public knowledge and we don’t know whether or not he has been forced to confront them and grow from them. Very often the singles from divorced homes can draw on what went right growing up and be determined to observe and learn from what goes right in other homes. Let’s all remember that the Eibeshter makes shidduchim and sends one soul on two different seeming journeys to eventually come back together. Names were named in Shamayim and on one pair of names there was an “amen.” Good to focus on neshama rather than sociology. Singles and parents get to focus on avodas Hashem throughout the process including reading from the “Eternal Joy” series of Rebbe’s letters as is often advised. Notice the Rebbe gives different answers to different people. Cookie cutter approach is not relevant in reality. Hatzlacha to all, Moshiach now, and tiskoo lmitzvoth to the official shadchans as well as others who would be so happy to suggest more names if we would be more open to hear (I’m talking to myself too). Could be our children are really uncomfortable with what we think is shyach or vice versa. We have to respect their perspectives. They’re in a new generation and if they’re older, have expanded their horizons. And if they seem stuck it’s up to us to daven and thank for them and simultaneously endeavor for our own growth.
Thanks and tiskoo lmitzvoth. Also wanted to mention that as singles get older they may feel comfortable with a wider age range. So that opens things up to more possible suggestions. Rebbe’s advice not more than ten years age difference in either direction. Girls can be older than boys. Look at the shidduch between the Rebbe and the Rebbetzin!
You must be proactive in finding resumes on your own. Go onto Chabad match or many different WhatsApp groups and find singles on your own. Its very frustrating when shadchanim don’t have any options. The best would be if you have friends with single sons or daughters and start asking them for their friends as potential fits. I believe most people involved in shidduchim parents or singles all share this struggle.
Haztlacha Rabba
Every bochur that goes thru the system has been classified by the hanhlala of shiur daled. Once at the beginning of the year to decide what class to put him into for Nigla and which mashpia he should have. And again at the end of the year to decide what shlichus to send him on.
This information says a lot both about his learning/iq and about his chasidishkeit
This is public info anyway
This is information that should be readily available in a orderly way and would give people a headstart in their search
nuf said
Most Bochurim change A LOT between Shiur Daled and Shidduchim age, it’s not such a useful source of information. (of course it is to some extent, but not close to enough.)
Much hatzlachah in finding the right one!
From our experience living out of Crown Heights, would make more sense (if optional) to match up with a neighbor.
It works!
(Most of the time)
It can work, you never know.
“MOTHER of older singles”…
If your son or daughter is over 25 single or divorced, why in heavens name is the “mother” STILL in charge?
If your young adult is old enough as you claim, to get married – let them go!
Personally when I see a profile and the “mother” is in charge, it’s an automatic red flag and I don’t even bother dealing with them. How many times I deal with a bochur and he tells me its “his mothers idea not his…” why does the shatchan have to deal with a battle between mother and son?
I figure within time the child has to grow up and own up their life, especially their marriage!
And sometimes it works….
in my humble opinion nothing has really changed its just about what your son or daughter’s status is.
if he is so called a chasidishe bochur that’s a catch or a girl that’s very sought after, the shadchanim will come running with names.
otherwise your left to wander around till you get lucky enough with help from a family member or the like.
i also believe very strongly that many parents are looking for a son in law or daughter in law that they prefer as apposed to finding a shiduch for their child.
if we change this mindset we may find success quicker
last but not least its really all in hashems hands. i have seen it countless times that the most unsuspected shiduchim came out to be in an unbelievable way.
I heard a very known and successful shadchan say that the use of profile pictures is a major factor preventing shidduchim from being made. I definitely agree. I don’t understand why it became acceptable, especially in Chabad- the seat of pinimiyus- to see a one-dimensional picture of someone, and many times reject an idea based on that.
You’re all missing the point that the writer was making!
He/she was saying that Shadchanim don’t give out names like they used to.
The Shadchanim used to tell you a bunch of names and you could ask them what they know about each one.
Why has that stopped?