By a survivor of bullying who teaches in a Chabad school

In a previous article, I explored the concept of social bullying and how it shows up in real-life situations, highlighting the subtle ways it can unfold.

In this article, I would like to shift focus to another important component: the role of emotions and how empathy develops within a child.

A child is pushed in line. Another child laughs. A third looks away. Nearby, an adult watches. In moments like these, our first instinct is often to stop the behavior – but these situations also present a golden opportunity: to teach children how to feel another child’s pain.

These moments happen every day – in classrooms, on buses, and in schoolyards (and perhaps at home). For years, many of us have tried to explain bullying in one familiar way: that children who bully do so because they lack self-confidence.

Interestingly, I recently heard a professional say that there’s no clear evidence to support the assumption that children who bully do so because they lack self-confidence. Yet, others believe that bullies do feel low self-confidence.

In my own experience, I see two very different roots behind the behavior.

Sometimes, a child behaves hurtfully toward another because of inner pain or insecurity. Other times, a child simply has never learned to truly understand or care about the feelings of others. They may not yet grasp that emotions are real and deeply experienced. Or they may be so focused on their own inner world and have never learned to see life from another person’s perspective. In other words, empathy – at its most basic level – was never taught. Sometimes, a developmental issue in learning empathy may be the cause. Regardless, this is never an excuse for harming another child. Bullying must be stopped.

But stopping the behavior is only part of the solution. We must also teach empathy. When a child begins to truly understand that others feel deeply just as they do and that emotions are an actual thing that exists, that awareness can inspire meaningful change.

Empathy is not limited to physical boundaries. It also includes emotional boundaries: respecting feelings, understanding that emotions are powerful and real, and internalizing that other people’s experiences matter just as much as our own. I have seen firsthand how transformative it can be when a child learns that their own feelings matter – and, in turn, begins to appreciate the feelings of others.

While we often focus on teaching empathy in moments of clear conflict, the small everyday responses we offer can also help children grow in understanding and care.

To illustrate this, I will share some thoughts on education with a few examples from everyday life. At first glance, they will seem to be unrelated to the discussion above about emotions, but at their core, they are actually deeply related.

Take, for example, a situation where a child says, “I’m hungry,” adults often assume the child is not being truthful – that they just want a treat. The child’s words are dismissed. But many times, the child truly is hungry. When we respond, “You’re not hungry, you just want a nosh, the only thing you can have is pasta.” When saying that the child doesn’t feel what he said he feels, we deny the child’s right to have their feelings acknowledged. A more emotionally respectful response might be: “I know that you might be hungry. You can have pasta now, but nosh is not an option.”

In this way, we validate the child’s feelings while also setting clear, healthy boundaries. We neither argue with their emotions nor abandon our limits.

A cornerstone of healthy parenting is learning to accept a child’s feelings without assuming we know better than they do what they are experiencing. Feelings are personal; they live in the child’s heart and mind, and no one else can fully experience them. Every child has a deep need to have their emotions acknowledged, not debated, dismissed, or disagreed with.

When we validate a child’s feelings, we communicate trust and respect. And when children feel seen and understood, they are more likely to extend that awareness and care to others.

Sometimes, we don’t notice that we are actually disagreeing with a child’s feelings – even when that’s not our intention at all.

Take, for example, a family that goes to a fun place with activities and arcades. Everyone gets back into the car afterward, and Yankel says, “That was such a stupid place.”

The parent feels uncomfortable, maybe even a little threatened. And that reaction is understandable. After all, they just spent money, made the effort, and genuinely wanted their children to enjoy themselves. So the parent responds, “No, Yankel, it was fun. It had so many nice arcades and so many nice activities.”

Yankel pushes back. “No, it was really bad. All the arcades were stupid.”

Now the disagreement stands in full force. The parent feels irritated. The child feels unheard. And the tension lingers; sometimes quietly, sometimes loudly.

But imagine if, as parents, we could understand what is really happening beneath the surface.

When a child says that something “wasn’t good,” very often they don’t mean an objective evaluation of the place itself. What they really mean is: I didn’t enjoy it. They are describing a feeling, not making a factual claim.

So imagine if the parent could respond this way:

“Yankel, I understand that you didn’t enjoy the activities there. It sounds like they felt too babyish for you, or just not interesting. I personally enjoyed it and thought it was nice, but I understand that you felt differently, and that’s okay.”

In that moment, the parent is no longer arguing about whether the place was “good” or “bad.” The parent is addressing the child’s feelings.

I have seen this countless times: when a child feels that their emotions have been noticed, named, and validated – when they hear that their feelings make sense – something inside them settles. They feel seen. They feel calm. Their emotional world is taken care of.

There is no mitzvah for a child to always enjoy everything. A child is allowed to dislike things. A child is allowed to feel disappointed. And our work as parents is not to prove them wrong, but to feel less threatened by their feelings.

This is so much easier said than done, and this is a work of a lifetime. But the reward pays off.

The very same pattern plays out in marriage.

So often, spouses come home from an event, and one spouse says, “That wasn’t such a great event.” The other quickly responds, “What? It was a beautiful event!” The first insists, “No, it really wasn’t.” And back and forth, until both walk away carrying resentment over the fact that their feelings were never understood.

But what if we understood that they were never truly arguing about the event?

What if we realized that the spouse who said that it wasn’t such a great event was not criticizing the event at all, but simply expressing their own experience?

Then the response of the listening spouse could sound very different:

“I understand that you didn’t enjoy it, maybe you felt uncomfortable, or the program just wasn’t your style. I personally enjoyed it, but I understand that you had a different experience.”

I have seen so many times that when a person hears, “Your feelings make sense,” something visibly shifts. You can sometimes even see the sigh of relief. The body relaxes. The heart softens. They feel soothed.

And if you wonder why a child or spouse didn’t simply say, “This is how I feel,” it’s because many people feel uncomfortable expressing emotions directly. Feelings often come out disguised as opinions, judgments, or complaints.

But when we learn to listen beneath the words – when we notice the feeling behind the statement and address that – we give the other person exactly what they were really asking for all along: understanding.

[As a side note, often adults struggle to validate another’s feelings because they themselves have unacknowledged feelings. Recognizing someone else’s pain can resurface unresolved feelings in their own heart, which can feel painful. Healing is very challenging, but it ultimately leads to a healthier and more comfortable state. Although healing is the work of a lifetime, every small step in healing can positively impact the person themselves and the people around them.]

By helping our children see that feelings are real and deserve kindness, we teach them that other people’s hearts matter too. When a child learns that their own emotions are taken seriously, this can enable them to appreciate the feelings of others. Little by little, this builds a gentle awareness that helps a child grow into someone who is caring, thoughtful, and sensitive to the people around them. This is one of the important ingredients for developing empathy and being sensitive to other people’s feelings.

May we all merit to feel strong and healthy, to make this world a Dira B’tachtonim for Hashem, and to raise children who are sensitive, compassionate, and capable of loving and showing compassion toward others. May we merit to greet Moshiach now.