From the Anash.org Inbox: This past summer I was hired to run a teen camp for girls entering 9th and 10th grade. Here’s something I learned: Our girls haven’t changed and they have a strong desire to know and do what’s right. It is those who are raising and educating them who have changed.
Mrs. Gillie Shanowitz
Here’s something I learned this summer. Our girls haven’t changed. They are filled with passion, chayus, and a strong desire to know and do what’s right. But those who are raising and educating them have changed.
This past summer I was hired to run a teen camp for girls entering 9th and 10th grade. I really never saw that coming. You see, my last camp experience was 15 years ago. Following my years as a camper, I spent 5 summers in sleepaway camp as a staff member. Throughout the years, I also directed winter camp and the Kinus Tzierei Hashluchos camp.
I loved camp, I loved the campers and staff, I loved preparing the programs, and I loved the incredible results of those 4 weeks, 10 days, or even that extended kinus weekend. But then it was over. Life moved on.
Fast forward 15 years, Baruch Hashem I’m married, have a family, and live on shlichus, and the last thing I ever thought would happen was me returning to sleepaway camp as a director.
Many people asked me what I was thinking. Was I bored? Was I looking for more stress and less sleep in the winter and no breathing time in the summer? And the answer is “No”.
But, I have always been passionate about the chinuch our kids are receiving these days. I have argued and passionately disagreed with many of the New Age ideas and methods we have been introducing into our homes, schools, and camps. I’ve felt our kids are being cheated out of unfiltered Chassidishe and “old-fashioned” Jewish values like respect, hard work, kabbalas ol, and so on.
So when this opportunity came up, I couldn’t say no. Pointing out what’s wrong is easy. Actually making a positive difference is another thing entirely. I had to do my part.
I was cautioned and warned (especially perhaps because of my strict and hard-line style throughout all my years of camp): “This generation doesn’t respond well to pressure or to rigid rules.” “The girls are mentally weak and you can’t expect the same of them.” “It will create too much anxiety.” “Meet them where they are at, be grateful they’re keeping Shabbos.” And so on and so forth.
But I had been around the block a bit. I had spoken and farbrenged for numerous schools and camps from Middle School to Sem Beis. I had substituted. I hire Lubavitcher teachers to work in my Hebrew school yearly. I thoroughly enjoy and have learned from engaging in conversations with my staff and girls who come for shabbos. The perspective I gained from these experiences was different from the perspective I was hearing. What I saw were girls desperate for water in a boiling hot desert.
I saw girls desperate for strong authority and for bars that won’t bend to their whim when they challenge them. I saw girls craving unfiltered Yiddishkeit and Chassidishkeit.
But no matter how confident I was that the consensus on the “new generation” was not accurate, a part of me was waiting for the great “understanding” I would experience when camp began and I worked with 140 teen girls and staff up close for a month.
But the very opposite happened. The girls are exactly like the girls I remember in camp 15 years ago! It’s we – the adults, the parents, the institutions, the moisdois, the mechanchim – who have changed.
We tell ourselves that our children can’t handle what we grew up with because that’s what modern society has instructed us to think. We are adapting to cater to a changed girl that doesn’t exist except of our own making. And by doing so, we are creating a generation of girls who are being cheated of who they can be. We are creating an anxiety-ridden generation who have been put into the driver’s seat of the car and left to make decisions that the adults in the room should be making.
We have created a generation of girls who know they can only be “healthy” with high self-esteem. Yet no one is having them work to achieve results that will make them feel “justified” in their high self-esteem.
Our girls are incredible (I would include the staff in this too), but they are thirsting for so much more than we are giving them. From clear and consistent rules – followed through with whatever punishment (yes this is a totally fine word to use – check your kids’ Chidon books :)) is set for non-compliance – to setting standards and expectations which cater to the highest common denominator rather than to the lowest. Operating according to what should be the rule rather than catering to the exceptions. Our girls are thirsting to be pushed to their potential. And they are just as capable of handling and thriving with all this as they ever were. They just need adults to take the wheel and lead.
At camp this past summer, there were definitely growing pains. It was inevitable and I expected it. It was hard in the beginning – “kol haschalos kashos.” The girls had to adjust. They pushed back. And yes, many even cried. The messages from outside the “bubble” of camp were definitely coming my way.
But by the time camp was over, these girls were on a high in every respect. And I have never received so much positive, expressive, grateful feedback from parents in my life. (Of course, there were exceptions.)
I implore parents, principals, camp directors, teachers, those involved in chinuch, and anyone in a position who can make a difference: Please stop cheating our girls of the potential they can reach. Expect more from them! Don’t cave in with every complaint, pushback, or even tears, when you are giving them what’s good for them, consistency, structure, and so on. Treat them like they are capable of growing into Yidden and chassidim who can own it to the highest levels. Talk to them with straight emes. Don’t walk on eggshells. Don’t be apologetic about Torah values and our Rebbe’s Horaos. Not only can they handle it, they will thrive on it!
No, sneakers are not Shabbosdik and yes, it’s more important to be Shabbosdik than comfortable or in style on Shabbos.
Yes, a husband is the head of the family.
Yes, women are the foundation of the home, and therefore, our ultimate “career” is to give birth to and raise a frum Chassidishe family.
Yes, Tanya teaches us that we are capable of aligning our feelings with Hashem’s will, and no, not every feeling is good or valid.
Yes, the Rebbe was against college, and definitely not before marriage.
No, we do not wave Israeli flags and we are not Zionists.
And on and on and on.
We’re in charge of raising and educating our girls, our future. Please don’t deny them the incomparable joys of achieving great heights. They are more than capable and more than willing. It’s we adults who have to believe it and deliver it.
P.S. Thank you to the administration of DTC – Detroit Teen Camp for the z’chus and opportunity and to its wonderful campers and staff for an incredible summer that was truly a “Level Up”! May all the growth experienced last summer stay with you and continue to inspire you mei’chayil el chayil.
I’m definitely guilty of caving. By nature my approach to my children are not full of Gevurah. The approach we are using is more kindness, empathy, warmth. I am not rigid or consistent and we don’t really have rules instead we try our best to lead by examples. We schmooze a lot with our kids.
What you are writing has lots of value but doesn’t work with every family. Running camp with strength works well- a home cannot run like boot camp.
BH – I war softer and gentle approach is working – we are working hard in raising Chasidishe children who respectful and filling their potential.
Mrs. Schanowitz does not seem to advocating for “boot camp”.
She is stressing that our children are open, ready, and thirsting for real Torah, and chassidus, and separately, authority who keeps to rules.
Sometimes it’s misplaced chessed to cater and modifyinstead of expecting our children to step up to the plate.
In today’s day and age, “sometimes” and turned into “often times”
Thank you !!!! This is fantastic!!! This is huge. Thank you for this important chinuch message.
This article is a must read for every single person in chinuch.
For my 6 years in chinuch I have thought this as well, yet I was told and implied that I can’t expect from the girls what was expected from me when I was in high school. At some point I started to think I was the only one (at least under 70) who thought this way. This article is a breath of fresh air! Thank you!
I remember during covid, my principal (of a regular lubavitch hs) was encouraging us to stay strong etc. She encouraged us to keep on learning our shiurim, and ‘learning” chitas for kids every day, implied as the highest level of learning chitas for a high school girl. I remember just being confused. I was not the only one learning full chitas and sefer Hamitzvos and it didn’t make sense to me that chitas for kids should be the ideal for a 14-17 year old girl.
Life has taught me- I’ve been through the system, been there done that. And listened to many preach the same preach until unfortunately, they struggled with their own kids at one point. What I’m trying to say is- it sounded like these people had the answer but then they didn’t?! In my late teens and early adult life- it bothered me and could not understand. But life has taught me that there’s so much more than preaching standards and rules. Yes, the emotional part of life is a very important element in raising functional, chasidishe and yiddishe humans able to build a marriage and home. There are SOOO many factors at play when trying to raise chasidishe and healthy kids!!
Once upon a time, preaching standards and forcing them to keep them worked. And now we are saying, that kids need more than that. Connection. Authenticity. So yes, kids these days have changed. For the better!!! They want the real deal.
It’s easy to manipulate 14 year olds (more or less) to listen to you and to rules. The real question is- what will they look like when they’re 20. Is this approach bringing them to build chasidishe and healthy homes?
I’m curious to hear from parents who have married off most of their kids and are chasidish and stable people to tell us what they did. And let’s not forget- they had siyata dishmaya!
All parents are trying their best. I think if it was so black and white, every parent would know exactly what to do.
There are points here that I agree with. We shouldn’t lower our standards. Structure and rules are crucial. Teaching what is right and wrong is a non-negotiable.
However, life isn’t that black and white. Sometimes I wish it was. We need Hashems help in raising our kids. Hashem should help all of us and give us all the clarity that we need in raising the next generation of beautiful souls.
Of course, they need to see authenticity and feel connection. But that doesn’t mean letting everything go. They want the challenge and they want to see that you care about what you stand for.
I listen to the podcasts and educators out there, and though I couldn’t put my finger on it, they just sound off.
Thank you Mrs. Shanowitz for articulating what I was feeling all along. Your article is a “must read” for all mechanchos.
Thank you for being a voice of clarity in a confused playing field.
This article can be somewhat triggering for those of us with memories of authoritarian Rosh Yeshivas. To counter that, our generation has seen the collapse of Sedyana walls, as our free-spirited teens now run and play in the beautiful new playground of contemporary, professionally-led Judaism. Like the emancipated reindeer. Discipline is history.
This newfound liberty has however created a problem. There are children from this cohort who’s wildside have led them into trouble, even with the law in some cases I’ve witnessed.
That is why there is a legitimate calling from concerned – alarmed – parents and teachers that there exists a type who require a firm lead. If we don’t lay down limits, our juvenile prisons will do that for us. America is good at that.
Just look at some of New York City public schools. Once we have crossed a line after which our teachers need bodyguards, we know that something is very wrong. Today’s expert “educators” offer plethora authoritative, government-sponsored guidance but when scope turns back on them, inevitably, they will shirk responsibility and to nowhere be found.
Discipline, maybe not of the old school variety but discipline nonetheless, does have a place in our institutions. Maybe not to the extent this author sees it, but at least occasionally. ABA therapy is a shining example that holds a lot of promise. For the few who require it. Without which the bullying in our schools continues.
you talk of ‘free spirited teens’ and a ‘playground led by contemperary professionally led judaism’, this has a whiff of ‘nisht kin’ authentic genuine chasidishkeit.
what is contemporary professionally led judaism? is it something that takes getting educated outside of the world of chassidus?
does contemporary mean a cover word for ‘dont be so fanatic’?
i dont know, but the gist of this comment seems to be coming from not a very authentic place.
i dont think that we need proof from the outside world, in order to affirm that the torah ideals are true.
and i dont think that people getting trained in places outside of the genuine chasidishe atmosphere, are capable of transmitting these values.
i feel that there is a weakness in the demand for authentic yiras shamayim in the training of our teachers, and that yidishkeit should be taken happily and wholeheartedly embraced
A breath of fresh air. Let’s strengthen ourselves to continue to only turn inward for our hashkafa on chinuch!
Letting everything go is an extreme. No one ever said that’s a good thing. I don’t believe in letting everything go. But there’s a different attitude here.
All feelings ARE important and valid. We have to teach our kids what to do with them.
I’d be careful about equating sneakers on shabbos with the importance of Jewish mothers having kids.
Running a home like a camp- will my kids want to come back home when they have a choice to?
Does this entire perspective bring the results we want? I’m not so sure.
It’s not about running home like a camp. It’s about showing children strong leadership. Of course, it looks differently in the warmth of a home and family than it does in a school or camp (which can also vary depending on the size of the camp).
The point is to be proud of the values and tell them the truth. Show them that you believe in them and their ability to succeed. Don’t treat them like fragile wimps who can’t do anything, or else they will become just that!
You are actually both right. The schools and camp must be consistent and strong and please stop watering things down.
At home on the other hand, each parent must use their best judgment on what each of our own kids need.
I am referring to normal families, not parents who encourage their children to rebel and defy the rules in school etc.
While I agree with the premise that our modern day teens are searching for Emes and we owe it to them, I admit I’m a little confused on the point here.
Is the point to be open and honest about Torah and Chassidishe values, or to encourage a more heavy handed approach to chinuch? These seem like two separate issues being mushed together in this article as if it’s the same idea.
Personally, I can get behind the first idea much quicker than the latter. Therefore I’m having trouble deciding whether I appreciate this approach or not.
The first idea is the main thing. But if you strongly believe in your values, and you believe in the ability of your students/children, you will demand it of them. Not in a mean, authoritarian way, but in a confident mentor way. Like a good athlete trainer who won’t let their student take it easy.
By the time a kid is a teenager, there’s no such thing as demanding of them. They can very easily say no and walk away, and they have the chutzpa to do it. We need to treat them like human beings and guide them, but boss them around. When was the last time you were criticized without asking for feedback and actually appreciated it?
You are confusing criticizing with empowering. The two are vastly different. Criticizing is putting a person down, empowering is lifting them up and showing how you believe in them.
Learn from how the Rebbe empowered his chassidim. He didn’t let them take it easy, but he tasked them with the most important mission, telling them how it was up to them and they could do it.
That’s exactly it! A postive approach is the key! If we give them Torah and Chassidus in its purest form without fear, while making it practical, accessible, and applicable, then all they need is our guidance and encouragement. But if a kid is wearing sneakers and you tell her to change shoes, that’s criticism. You can find a way to address it in a way that’s sensitive to her feelings of you feel it’s necessary, but the approach in this article doesn’t sound very individualized to the girl. And if a kid is having a hard time with something emotionally, it’s not a crime to try to accommodate and work with them. It shows them love and care from the very people who love and care about Torah and Chassidus and serves to bring them closer.
The majority of the problem is our schools’ apparent strong desire to treat the Chabad lite children with kid gloves.
The children from frum homes feel like they are second class (crazy, right?)
We can give benefit of doubt and say that the teachers / principal are good Lubavitchers who prefer to give attention to less frum people, but this isn’t a Chabad house and if you took the job at a Lubavitch school please don’t ignore the good kids.
Thank you for articulating the (primary?) reason who so many of these new-age chinuch methodologies are not working. They sound exciting in theory, but they are educating a generation how to be snowflakes, self-absorbed, and ultimately with high mental issues.
Wow. The story of my life (so far)…
Thank you Mrs. S. for using your voice.
I do agree that sneakers on shabbos is not on pat with the other things.
Re sneakers on shabbos.
For whatever reason, sneakers in general are very very in style these days and not at all limited to the way you and I think are worn. Like a lot more. Even so called formal settings.
I agree with your article a lot but personally I would let the sneakers on shabbos slide.
Just my humble opinion.
My “rule of thumb” for raising children that can cope with pressure (tried, tested, and envied), is actually two rules, and both point in opposite directions:
a) Every person has a place deep inside them that is “home”. Sweet, calm, and comfortable. A place that wherever and whenever they need to, they can retreat into. So in raising children work on creating memories that generate an appropriate space like that. A treat every rosh chodesh (nothing elaborate of course) , a shortened Shabbos meal so that they will sit there for the whole deal (yes! fundamental); including a choice of desert for the kid with a special occasion (school report, birthday, great considerate action) Do not attempt to be their friend, but create memorable outings etc., which accomplishes a similar bond.
b) Your children will always test your boundaries on maintaining authority, and will engineer a confrontation. It’s natural and instinctive (and there are always exceptions. Exceptions.) If by the age of two your child (infant but already instinctively probing) will not stop doing something (wrong) when you say a strong “no” (but not angry, although that would work better, as would a panic “no”), then good news, you have already had the confrontation. Bad news, you lost. The same happens to a new teacher to the class, but the time frame is dramatically shorter.
The underlying principle that is missing in today’s society is, “Never be afraid of your child, or losing their love.”
So true
VERY IMPRESSED WITH THIS ARTICLE. DO PARENTS REALLY THINK THAT BY BEING SO ACCOMMODATING TO EVERY WHIM OF THEIR CHILD IT WILL MOLD THE CHILD INTO SOCIETY. NO ONE SUGGESTING THAT YOU CLOBBER YOUR CHILD TO SUBMISSION. GILLIE IS ONLY STRESSING THAT YOU HAVE TO FIRM IN YOUR COMMITMENT TO TORAH AND TEACH YOUR CHILD TO DO THE SAME! MAKE YIDDISHKEIT A HAPPY THING. WHEN SETTING RULES, TELL YOUR CHILD THAT YOU ALSO FOLLOW RULES DICTATED BY ALMIGHTY G-D! TODAY’S WORLD IS NUTS AND WE SHOULD NOT FOLLOW THEIR DIRECTIVE! OUR GUIDE IS TORAH AND THAT LASTS FOR EVER! KEEPING THE TORAH LAWS WILL GIVE YOUR CHILD A PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Not so simple!
New age is not always great, but old fashioned Ed had its problems too, let’s not kid. Somewhere in between is the truth.
The blind spot to this article is that, together with this approach, there were Counselors who sat for hours with campers and helped them sensitively, which made for a successful combo. This approach didn’t run this camp alone. I personally know the Counselors and their approach which was psychologically in tune to the campers. BH for their sensitivity, in addition to the strong lines of this approach, which has its merit too. I agree with some old fashioned resilience. And I agree with some new age sensitivity. Boot camp alone is an ‘outside-in’ approach. Let’s use a combo ‘inside-out’ approach for longer lasting results, a balance of the old and new is needed for a more long lasting accurate effect!
This approach alone can be a bit arrogant in the face of the incredible psychology that is Torah based too, that has been gifted to this generation, to better understand the human brain and psyche. Let’s not discount the good that this generation has taught us, which improves the past chinuch, not weakens it.