By S. Cohen

When it comes to the Seder, every child is taught about asking their father the 4 questions. Occasionally, there is a fifth question, one which comes first: Where is my father? 

Children don’t vocalize this question though. It’s too painful to bring up. But nobody talking about it makes it feel even worse – like he doesn’t even exist.

But he does exist. And he wants to be with his children. He’s just not allowed to. It’s not his “visitation” or “parenting time” right now.

This brings up a sixth question: Why? Why can’t my father be with me now? Why is he only allowed to be with me sometimes? And a seventh and more: Who isn’t allowing him to be with me? Does that mean they can stop him from doing other things for me? From protecting me? From giving me what I need from him? Why can somebody stop my father from being my father?

So we explain: when parents divorce, they cannot live together, and so, each parent only has certain times with their children. Now happens to be not Tatty’s time.

This only brings up more questions: what about me? Why can’t I have both parents at the same time? Why can’t my parents get along like anyone else’s? Why do I have to sit by the Seder and not be able to ask the 4 questions to my father!?

Sure, we can give them many explanations: if your father’s not there, you can ask your mother, or your grandfather (like it says in Shulchan Aruch), not all children live with their fathers, your father has issues or is a terrible person, you’ll be fine, and probably some others.

So you’ve explained my father away. Now I have an explanation, so I don’t need my father. So I’ll sit here by the Seder, pretending to be happy, distracting from this deep ache and longing in my heart.

And though nobody cares about the father (because of all the explanations: he did it to himself, he should’ve been better, he was given the option, he doesn’t deserve it, he’s not a good father, and some others), I will ask his questions too: when does this end? When will I have to stop going to court? When will the threat of jail stop being a threat? When can I be considered a rightful parent to my child? When will my children stop being restricted from me? When will I be able to actually be the only human father my children have?

I have all the explanations in the world in my hand, and so I sit by the Seder, pretending to be happy, distracting from this deep ache and longing in my heart.

Whether present or distracted, or not there altogether, I am grateful for my children, and I will work to be the best father they deserve. The questions may persist without answers, but the importance of fathers should not be minimized. Please encourage better fathers and more connection with their children.

Don’t forget the father. The child never does.