Following on the discussion of leadership in chinuch, we bring you the Rebbe’s words on the subject. In this Yud Tes Kislev address, the Rebbe decries the new “educational philosophy” that parents should give children choices. The Rebbe blames this for the problems with the youth, and insists that sincere words of truth is the answer.
By Anash.org editor
Seeing how much our children enjoy freedom, we are sometimes reluctant to impose upon them. We somehow imagine that they will fare better if allowed to take it easy. But instead of enjoying the comforts that we provide for them, they become frustrated and rebel.
What is it that they’re looking for? Why aren’t they satisfied with a comfortable life? How can we motivate them to follow in our footsteps?
In this powerful sicha from Yud Tes Kislev 5728 (1967), the Rebbe speaks of youth’s demand for sincerity. They want the truth and are willing to work hard for it, but they aren’t interested in insincere acting to uphold social status.
The Rebbe argues that the movement to give children “choices” was born from laziness, and that people created a philosophy to suit their lack of interest to take the lead in guiding their children.
Finally, the Rebbe says, clear and firm guidance, when said with sincerity, will make its mark on a child, which will result in a happier child and happier parents.
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The Rebbe’s sicha:
Democratic Education
Fostered by the air of democracy, an attitude developed in this country that parents shouldn’t interfere with their children’s conduct. The most they can do is to advise their children, but they must then allow them to choose on their own. In fact, one of the leading educators in this country made a philosophy of this notion, and proclaimed that this is how the new generation should be raised.
And now, thirty years later, we see where this philosophy got us! A Jewish woman, whose son converted and became a priest R”L, stands up and says matter-of-factly, “What could I do? Today you can’t tell the youth anything.”
Before coming to the interview, she put on lipstick and made sure that her skirt was the right length – not too long, the shorter the better – and of course she made sure to speak eloquently at the interview. This way everyone will know that she heads the “progress” and “culture” of the twentieth century.
Sincere Yiddishkeit
The real heartache here is that no one protested. We live in a country with so many Yidden, and being responsible for one another, someone should have said something. Not just to agree that one need not or may not say anything to the youth – since this is a lie!
The youth want to be told, but it must be words that come from the heart. A boy isn’t interested in being told to prepare for bar mitzva because his neighbor did so. The parents are then compelled to promise him all kinds of gifts so that he will commit himself to learn the haftora and the brachos that are written out for him in English.
And then, when he gets older, they expect him to take it seriously… He didn’t see his parents take their own Yiddishkeit seriously, or even his Yiddishkeitseriously. They didn’t tell him to study Torah since it is Hashem’s word, but that he should deliver a bar mitzva speech since his neighbor did, and if he doesn’t it will embarrass them.
The child realizes – intellectually or emotionally – that his parents aren’t interested in him. His father is engrossed in business, his mother is arranging “bridge parties,” and the bar mitzva is for social status. Since they aren’t truly interested in a “bar mitzva,” the boy drops it and goes off to play ball.
Thirsty for Meaning
When the parents later ask the child, “Why do you embarrass us [with your conduct]?” the child counters back, “Did you give me a foundation to stand on?” The only thing they taught him was to mimic those who made it to the top.
The child is unwilling to accept that mimicking others is a worthy ideal. The reason why it doesn’t sit well with him is because a Yid shouldn’t be imitating anyone besides Hashem (“Just as He is kind, you should be kind, etc.”). Really, this is his own essence, since his neshama is a part of Hashem, and by acting in this manner he is finding himself.
They write in the newspapers of the mother’s “strength” to sacrifice her son. What strength?! Did she invest any effort or lose sleep to raise her son that her son should do what he did?! The son was simply left to wander on his own. And now they come and create an “educational philosophy” out of it.
Sparing us the need to investigate the consequence of such an education, Hashem caused the youth themselves to bang on the table demand of their parents: “You’re living an empty life and have nothing worth fighting for! Either change your lifestyle and we might join you, or we’ll go searching elsewhere…”
Don’t Shy Away from the Truth
The old excuse that giving youth difficult tasks will chase them away has been disproven. The youth are interested in being challenged and told: “Since you’re young and undaunted by anything, take upon yourself the yoke of Heaven and of Torah and mitzvos! Do this not to imitate or to make someone happy, but to find your true self!”
Most of those who tried this approach saw immediate success. In the remainder of the cases, it planted a seed which will grow over time. The idea will fester within them until, sooner or later, it shines through and sets the child on the correct path. The only condition is: Say the truth!
We must tell them: “Listen here! We have faith in your G-d given capabilities, provided that you submit yourself to Hashem’s will. You are only human, so you may grow gradually, just accept the entire Torah and realize that it is your true essence.” The youth will then show their strength, and they will even surpass their teachers, with no other motive other than seeking the truth.
Been There, Done That
Whatever “new” -ism one contrives has already been tried throughout Jewish history. To be Jewish at heart without practical observance, to fit the Torah to the spirit of the times, to define Judaism by a language or other cultural element, to mimic gentile neighbors – they have all been tested before and have all failed. The only path that has persevered without change is the way of Torah and its mitzvos.
You don’t need a degree or a million dollars in the bank – you only need to speak genuine heartfelt words. There’s no need to embellish them, since this generation doesn’t care what anyone thinks. All they want is to be spoken to maturely – not be manipulated, fooled or talked down to like a small child.
Truth Brings Peace
In taking this approach to education, besides staying truthful, one is fulfilling Hashem’s shlichus.
When a person tries to educate with a thought-up method, he speaks falsehood. The parent can’t say it with complete sincerity, since he knows deep down that it’s a false compromise and that it won’t succeed. Ultimately, truth will prevail, since it’s impossible for a falsehood to dominate forever.
Following the true path will bring peace. One won’t need to fight with his children, or with the government to arrange more police, or within himself whether to smack his child or bribe him – since everything will go peacefully and tranquilly.
It’s not that the children have changed. My kids were given choices. Do you want to wear your blue pants or your brown pants. But I decided it was pants, not shorts.
Dinner was chicken and potatoes, or you could have a peanut butter sandwich (usually when yeshiva lunch was chicken and fries). But my kids didn’t decide what I was cooking.
Parents have to know what they want and little kids get to make little inconsequential decisions, until they are mature enough to decide certain things on their own. Homework before dinner or after? As long as it gets done without disrupting anyone else. And no, you cannot do xyz just because your classmates are doing it if it doesn’t conform with family values, which really need to conform with halacha if you really want it to work
Let’s go back to being parents.