Rebbe, Is My Child’s Nervousness a Cause for Concern?

Parents face an incredible myriad of challenges when raising their children. This week’s Rebbe Responsa takes a look at how some seemingly big issues may be nothing of concern and other issues simply resolved by teaching the child about being in Hashem’s presence. 

Parenting is difficult. Though it’s hard to give universal advice for educational issues, the Rebbe writes there is “one general point which can be universally applied in educational problems.”

This is, as explained in Chassidus, to “make the children aware that they possess a soul which is a part of Hashem, and that they are always in the presence of Hashem.”

“When this is done persistently,” the Rebbe continues, “and on a level which is suitable to the age group and background of the children, the children come to realize that they possess a great and holy quality which is directly linked with Hashem, the Creator and Master of the world, and that it would therefore be quite unbecoming and unworthy of them to do anything which is not good.”

“At the same time, they come to realize that they have the potential to overcome temptation or difficulty, and if they would only make a little effort on their part they would receive considerable assistance from on High to live up to the Torah and Mitzvoth, which constitute the will and wisdom of Hashem.”

At the end of the letter, the Rebbe raises another very important point “to be careful that in admonishing children the teacher or parent should not evoke a sense of helplessness and despondency on the part of the child.”

“In other words, the child should not get the impression that he is good-for-nothing and that all is lost, etc., and therefore he can continue to do as he wishes. On the contrary, the child should always be encouraged in the feeling that he is capable of overcoming his difficulties and that it is only a matter of will and determination.”

On the subject of parenting, a Chabad woman who was a Chabad Shlucha in New Haven complained to the Rebbe that her  “children are nervous and not sufficiently attentive to their studies”

The Rebbe replied that “this is a frequent occurrence with children, and is no ground for anxiety, especially as the conditions are stationary and not getting worse, Chas Veshalom.” First recognize that it is normal and be calm with it. That is a great first step in tackling a parenting issue. 

“Certainly it would not be advisable to make an issue of it, or let the child feel any exaggerated anxiety on your part,” this the Rebbe writes would be counterproductive. Now to deal with the actual issue the Rebbe continued that her children “should be in the company with other children of their age, so that they will, instinctively, try not to be different, and the condition will pass in due course.”

At times religious parents have a hard time imparting their beliefs and way of life to their children. Devout parents can find this issue very hard to deal with. The Rebbe received many letters from religious parents about what they should do with their children who seemed to be slowly leaving the fold. 

The Rebbe’s advice on this matter is rather consistent: “it is frequently easier to have the desired influence on one’s children if this influence comes from good friends rather than directly from the parents.” As hard as it sounds, the parents should try to mix out of this issue. Though they are responsible for guiding their children, it should be done in an indirect manner. The Rebbe sometimes writes that the children should be unaware that this influence is coming ultimately from the parents. 

“For,” the Rebbe explains his reasoning, “nowadays children are apt to consider the advice or guidance of parents as an effort to “boss” them, in the belief that their parents do not consider them sufficiently grown-up or mature.”

Another mode of indirect influence the Rebbe commonly suggests is that “if parents want to have an influence on children, they must, first and foremost, themselves present a living example. Moreover, whatever the measure of a certain good thing that parents desire to see in their children, they themselves must have and demonstrate that quality in a much higher degree.”

“Even if this means a special effort on the part of the parents,” the Rebbe ends off, “surely nothing is too hard for parents to do where the welfare of their children is concerned. Actually, the difficulties, if any, are more imaginary than real, and where there is a true determination to overcome them, the difficulties turn out to be much smaller than imagined.”

Included at the end of the booklet is a newly released letter related to the “Encounter with Chabad” — Pegisha Shabbaton which is happening this week. 

Rebbe Responsa kindly requests anyone who may be in possession of letters of the Rebbe in English, to send them by email so that these unique treasures can benefit the public.

These selected letters are sourced from the extensive collection of over 5,000 English letters written by the Rebbe, accessible through the Rebbe Responsa app. 

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