From the Anash.org Inbox: I’ve heard it too many times – “You’re a great catch,” “It won’t be long,” “Don’t worry, you’ll get the best of the best.” While these words are well-intentioned, they often make the parsha of shidduchim even more challenging. I’d like to suggest a different way of looking at shidduchim.
By A Bochur
I’ve heard it too many times – “You’re a great catch,” “It won’t be long,” “Don’t worry, you’ll get the best of the best.” While these words are well-intentioned, they often create unrealistic expectations and can make the parsha of shidduchim even more challenging.
I’d like to suggest a different way of looking at shidduchim.
Shidduchim is a process—one that each bochur and girl must go through in their own time. It’s not about how mature or prepared someone is, nor is it about how much effort they put in or how many shadchanim they speak to. Of course, one must be proactive and ready to act, but ultimately, the outcome is not in our hands.
It’s like telling a baby who is learning to walk, “You have such strong legs, you’ll be walking in no time.” The child still needs guidance, support, and the right timing. Compliments alone won’t help them take their first steps any faster.
The same is true in shidduchim. It’s unfair to tell a bochur or girl that they’ll have an easy time just because they are wonderful people. A person can be chassidish, refined, kind, and mature, yet still face challenges in shidduchim. We simply cannot predict how long or smooth someone’s journey will be.
Instead of saying things like, “You’ll be a quick catch” or “You deserve the best,” let’s shift our words to something more meaningful and supportive. We can say, “May you have clarity in your shidduchim,” “I bentch you with a smooth process,” or “Let me know how I can support and guide you.”
At the end of the day, hakol b’ydei Shamayim. Our role is to set our children up for success, not by making promises we can’t keep, but by offering encouragement and emunah as they embark on this journey.
Everyone has a zivug and it helps to pray on his or her behalf, to bless him or her etc. The single girls can pray on behalf, each one of her zivug— not just hurry up and find me— but also for him to have good chavrusas, learning, davenning, mashpia, all success and happiness in gashmius and ruchnius etc. There is a community where girls do not light Shabbos candles, but they have a techina that they say on behalf of future husband. In that community there isn’t a “shidduch crisis”. Very important, each single daven and thank about his or her own growth and readiness for a happy marriage. No one starts marriage fully ready and with everything resolved. What’s important is the relationship with Hashem, and making steps.
Good for singles to take on some responsibility— it’s not parents or shadchans, it’s all Hashem. It’s very effective for the single to daven not only for the zivug to show up already, but for blessings for the zivug’s and one’s own health, success and happiness in gashmius and ruchnius inyunim that help get ready for a happy, holy, healthy marriage and life.
What about singles themselves working on their own relationship with Hashem including thanking in advance for the zivug who is already there, just needs to be revealed? Not only,”Hashem, can this happen quick?” but also “Thank You, Hashem for my zivug” and praying on his or her behalf for his or her best success and happiness in gashmius and ruchnius.
I think the fact that there is one parameter for what is considered good in a perspective match is wrong, it should be individualized based on the person’s personality, each individual should be searching for the kind of personality he or she likes hanging around (in their class or wherever), each person before starting the search should spend time to make note of the kind of personality they enjoy, and the one they prefer to stay away from, and make their search based on that, and of course everyone should have much hatzlacha!
Encouragement for bochurim: be more active. Your mother shouldn’t be the one “in charge” of your shidduch. YOU are the one getting married – BE IN CHARGE! and that bochurim will not do. Bochurim dont like encouragement that is being given – Then do the work. If you do the work, different encouragements will come your way, because the work is being done! Also bochurim should rely to emails etc…. when people try to reach out with a suggestion. How many bochurim ignore emails and then complain that shatchanim aren’t doing anything. You cant complain when you aren’t doing your part.