By a survivor of bullying who works in a Chabad school

Bullying in Mesivta is not new to me. I remember being harassed physically, being “lightly” pushed by certain boys. Sadly, these were the same boys who had bullied me years earlier in elementary school.

Recently, the issue of bullying in Mesivta resurfaced in a painful way.

It was an Erev Shabbos when I received a phone call. On the other line was a bochur I know well who was serving as a shliach in a yeshiva.

“I’m with a group of boys on a Shabbaton,” he told me, “and there is one boy who’s crying. Throughout the year, the other boys bullied him and laughed at him. And now, on the Shabbaton, he can’t take it anymore. You can just see on his face how broken he is.”

He asked me what I would advise.

My immediate thoughts were: How did it reach such a breaking point? Could this have been noticed and addressed earlier? Why wasn’t it stopped before it got this far?

Then I remembered the reality of today’s classrooms. The number of students is large. These days, it is not uncommon for a class to have around more than 25 boys. Personally, I don’t understand how one teacher can realistically keep boys safe for an entire year with more than twenty students. In my humble opinion, this system is set up for failure.

I recently spoke with a teacher in a Mesivta whom I deeply respect. He shared that he has twenty-five students in his class, and it’s simply too many to truly support. Their needs are honestly not being met. He also acknowledged that bullying has been taking place. It was painful, yet important, to hear a dedicated mechanech say this openly.

Despite the challenge of an oversized class, it was clear how deeply committed he is to the success of every single student. His honesty reinforced something we often avoid saying out loud: Bullying does exist in Mesivta.

Back to my conversation with the shliach. He explained that he had only one minute to hear my response before returning to supervise the boys.

I don’t like giving one-minute advice. I much prefer hearing the full story and then offering guidance tailored to the specific situation. But when a child is at a breaking point, and time is truly limited, clarity matters.

I shared two direct points.

First, bullying thrives on secrecy. I advised him to immediately involve every staff member who interacts with the boy, as well as the principal. Any further act of bullying should be documented clearly and consistently.

This creates accountability. It gives school leadership the ability to respond with real consequences based on facts, not hearsay. It also provides clarity if parents later question disciplinary decisions.

The second point was about gaslighting.

Gaslighting, in short, means convincing someone that they didn’t see what they clearly saw.

A student who bullies will often say, “I didn’t kick him. I just walked by, I didn’t touch him.” If this is said confidently enough, even a well-meaning staff member may begin to doubt himself.

Of course, it is important to hear all sides of a story. But when something is observed clearly and objectively, educators must trust their own eyes. Some children become skilled at confusing adults and covering up their actions.

My advice was simple: trust what you saw. Don’t second-guess yourself. Push for appropriate consequences, and if the bullying continues, suspension should be seriously considered. Most importantly, reassure the boy being bullied that the adults around him will hold the bullies accountable.

As someone who suffered tremendously from bullying, I plead with school staff.

It’s true that you can’t take full responsibility for twenty-five to thirty boys. Classes should be smaller. However, bullying is a matter of pikuach nefesh. If you truly knew the pain a child carries inside when he is being bullied, you would understand that it can’t be delayed or minimized.

Many boys learn how to smile on the outside while feeling deeply hurt on the inside. Please believe me when I say how real and lasting that pain can be.

Speaking up for a child who is being bullied and being a “party spoiler” to a bully who is enjoying his power, can prevent years of emotional damage later on. A moment of courage by an adult can spare a child decades of pain.

I am not blaming teachers for the bullying crisis. Teachers are overworked and stretched thin. We often speak about shlichus in distant places, but many school staff members are silently doing holy work every single day without recognition.

That said, educators and administrators have a golden opportunity to place safety at the center of school life.

I believe school administrations must seriously brainstorm ways to reduce class sizes and prioritize student safety. While this is far easier said than done, it would be truly inspiring to see philanthropists step forward to support initiatives that make smaller, safer classrooms possible.

On behalf of Klal Yisroel, I want to thank the mechanchim for all that you do. We are deeply grateful for the dedication, care, and responsibility you carry on behalf of our children. May Hashem give you success in caring for them.

May we merit the coming of Moshiach very soon.