ל׳ שבט ה׳תשפ״ו | February 17, 2026
Bullying is a Problem in Mesivta Too
Bullying in Mesivta is not new to me. I remember being harassed physically, being “lightly” pushed by certain boys. But recently, the issue of bullying in Mesivta resurfaced in a painful way.
By a survivor of bullying who works in a Chabad school
Bullying in Mesivta is not new to me. I remember being harassed physically, being “lightly” pushed by certain boys. Sadly, these were the same boys who had bullied me years earlier in elementary school.
Recently, the issue of bullying in Mesivta resurfaced in a painful way.
It was an Erev Shabbos when I received a phone call. On the other line was a bochur I know well who was serving as a shliach in a yeshiva.
“I’m with a group of boys on a Shabbaton,” he told me, “and there is one boy who’s crying. Throughout the year, the other boys bullied him and laughed at him. And now, on the Shabbaton, he can’t take it anymore. You can just see on his face how broken he is.”
He asked me what I would advise.
My immediate thoughts were: How did it reach such a breaking point? Could this have been noticed and addressed earlier? Why wasn’t it stopped before it got this far?
Then I remembered the reality of today’s classrooms. The number of students is large. These days, it is not uncommon for a class to have around more than 25 boys. Personally, I don’t understand how one teacher can realistically keep boys safe for an entire year with more than twenty students. In my humble opinion, this system is set up for failure.
I recently spoke with a teacher in a Mesivta whom I deeply respect. He shared that he has twenty-five students in his class, and it’s simply too many to truly support. Their needs are honestly not being met. He also acknowledged that bullying has been taking place. It was painful, yet important, to hear a dedicated mechanech say this openly.
Despite the challenge of an oversized class, it was clear how deeply committed he is to the success of every single student. His honesty reinforced something we often avoid saying out loud: Bullying does exist in Mesivta.
Back to my conversation with the shliach. He explained that he had only one minute to hear my response before returning to supervise the boys.
I don’t like giving one-minute advice. I much prefer hearing the full story and then offering guidance tailored to the specific situation. But when a child is at a breaking point, and time is truly limited, clarity matters.
I shared two direct points.
First, bullying thrives on secrecy. I advised him to immediately involve every staff member who interacts with the boy, as well as the principal. Any further act of bullying should be documented clearly and consistently.
This creates accountability. It gives school leadership the ability to respond with real consequences based on facts, not hearsay. It also provides clarity if parents later question disciplinary decisions.
The second point was about gaslighting.
Gaslighting, in short, means convincing someone that they didn’t see what they clearly saw.
A student who bullies will often say, “I didn’t kick him. I just walked by, I didn’t touch him.” If this is said confidently enough, even a well-meaning staff member may begin to doubt himself.
Of course, it is important to hear all sides of a story. But when something is observed clearly and objectively, educators must trust their own eyes. Some children become skilled at confusing adults and covering up their actions.
My advice was simple: trust what you saw. Don’t second-guess yourself. Push for appropriate consequences, and if the bullying continues, suspension should be seriously considered. Most importantly, reassure the boy being bullied that the adults around him will hold the bullies accountable.
As someone who suffered tremendously from bullying, I plead with school staff.
It’s true that you can’t take full responsibility for twenty-five to thirty boys. Classes should be smaller. However, bullying is a matter of pikuach nefesh. If you truly knew the pain a child carries inside when he is being bullied, you would understand that it can’t be delayed or minimized.
Many boys learn how to smile on the outside while feeling deeply hurt on the inside. Please believe me when I say how real and lasting that pain can be.
Speaking up for a child who is being bullied and being a “party spoiler” to a bully who is enjoying his power, can prevent years of emotional damage later on. A moment of courage by an adult can spare a child decades of pain.
I am not blaming teachers for the bullying crisis. Teachers are overworked and stretched thin. We often speak about shlichus in distant places, but many school staff members are silently doing holy work every single day without recognition.
That said, educators and administrators have a golden opportunity to place safety at the center of school life.
I believe school administrations must seriously brainstorm ways to reduce class sizes and prioritize student safety. While this is far easier said than done, it would be truly inspiring to see philanthropists step forward to support initiatives that make smaller, safer classrooms possible.
On behalf of Klal Yisroel, I want to thank the mechanchim for all that you do. We are deeply grateful for the dedication, care, and responsibility you carry on behalf of our children. May Hashem give you success in caring for them.
May we merit the coming of Moshiach very soon.
COMMENTS
We just learned in Rambam ( and also brought in hilchos Talmud Torah of the Alter Rebbe) that one teacher can only have up to twenty five students.
This is in regards to learning, but when it comes to bullying even Twenty five is too much
In the yeshiva i’m in there is less than twenty bochurim in a single shiur and it is still very difficult to deal with the bullying…
I have a friend that dropped out of zall because of being physically bullied ( like his food being thrown out, his clothing being thrown out…)
And Hanhala wouldn’t stand up for him
( Didn’t even let him change rooms from the bully) and thanks to his friends he is BH doing fine
TY! I’m so happy someone is speaking up!
my son is suffering NOW in a local misivta where there is tremendous bullying. its getting dangerously out of hand,
yeshiva! please step up! the time has come!!
The hanhala at these yeshivas need to start cracking down. I don’t care how much money the bully’s family donates every year, I don’t care that he has a whole group of friends…there needs to be a much stronger message sent out that bullying will not be tolerated.
I’m ready to pull one of my kids out due to bullying, another child’s classmate was thrown into the mikvah in yeshiva…this has to stop!
As a shliach i see this day in day out sometimes its not only parents who have money that hanhala cant control…
Just saying something that hanhala cant
Unfortunately we have seen very negative effects of bullying. Get involved before it’s too late.
Everything written here is true. However, one key point is missing: Parents taking responsibility.
I spoke to a mother whose son was consistently bullying his classmate, telling him to commit suicide, pushing him, insulting him, etc. No disciplinary actions were on the table, yet. All I wanted was for her to have a conversation with her son.
She launched into a spirited defence of the indefensible: Her son had been wronged because the other boy snores at night, not allowing her son to sleep at night. (He refuses to wear earplugs, btw.) Apparently anyone who disturbs her precious prince should jump off Yeshiva’s roof!
Already overwhelmed with numerous responsibilities, I never bothered calling her again. Her son grew the least that year by far.
In another case, however, parents took responsibility. A talmid of mine was bullying another. When I spoke to the parents, they were appreciative of my time and took it VERY seriously. All bullying stopped. There son grew tremendously over the course of the year. Now, he is successful in his learning, popular with his peers, and significantly more mature.
In the case where the mother didn’t take responsibility,was the bully suspended from school untill he stopped bullying?
As a mechanech, this is very true. When parents hear anything about their son negative, they immediately defend him with all sorts of excuses. This is wrong and parents need to stop thinking that their kids are tzaddikim. (However I do understand that parents love their kids בטבע תולדתם so it’s hard to see a חסרון in them.
In my humble opinion, Even if a parent disagrees with a teacher’s observation, the school should decide what should be done to the bully.
The school is in the driver seat.
If the school is afraid to suspend the child due to a parent’s lack of taking responsibility, The school is allowing themselves to be bullied by that parent of the bully.
I hear where this person is coming from.
We need to understand that Yeshivos aren’t babysitters.
The Hanhala are generally terrifically overworked, and that’s besides their family life. Working in a Mesivta is hard, super draining, and with barely any recognition. Bochurim can be hard to deal with, specially at Mesivta age, and each and every bochur needs a lot.
Hanhala is already doing so much. You think they are just sleeping?
You think they don’t know?
You think they don’t care?
Then they would be going to a better job where they get paid (more).
Whoever works in a Mesivta – is because they believe in it.
Instead of attacking the Hanhala, maybe reach out to the Shluchim, maybe check if the bochur is coming from a healthy home, maybe send him to a local Mesivta with no dorm. But we need to be realistic.
They are teens, and that is normal and part of life. Hanhala tries, but there’s a limit.
Have some recognition to our Mechanchim instead of criticising – that can be effective.
I hear what you’re saying — and I don’t doubt for a second that the hanhala is overworked and busy. Running a Mesivta is exhausting. Its demanding. I’m sure he tries.
But with respect, “trying” is not enough when it comes to bullying.
This isn’t a side issue. This isn’t extra if there’s time. The emotional and physical safety of the bochurim is one of the core responsibilities of the Hanhala. Not secondary and Not optional.
If a hanhala is too overworked to effectively deal with bullying, then that itself is the problem. Hire more staff, Restructure supervision. Create systems. Because the alternative — boys being repeatedly hurt, humiliated, or traumatized — is simply unacceptable.
I don’t care how busy he is. Bullying can cause long-term damage: anxiety, depression, broken self-esteem, sometimes even pushing a bochur away from Yiddishkeit entirely. That kind of damage doesn’t get excused because the office was overloaded.
This isn’t about attacking Hanhala or denying their dedication. It’s about accountability. When a Mesivta accepts a bochur, they are taking responsibility for his safety — not just academically, but socially and emotionally. If that isn’t being protected, then something must change.
Yes, teens are teens. That’s exactly why adults need to step in. “They try” cannot be the final answer.
We can respect the work they do and still say clearly: this must be solved One way or another.
There are people who teach bullying victims how to stare the bully in the eye, and say the right things which discourage the bully and de-escalate the bullying. They role-play and practice with the victim until they master the techniques. Eventually, the bully loses interest and gives up.
If you run a high school with a dorm you are 100% a babysitter, teacher, mother and father all in one.
If you don’t want to do that, get out of the business asap.
I don’t care how overworked that are, the first and foremost job is to keep the kids safe, physically and emotionally and THEN spiritually.
Reading all these comments I see one common denominator and that is who is at fault and who should take responsibility for the bullying, I have not seen a lot written about solutions.
as a current shliach in msivtah I very recently had multiple meetings with hanhalah About bullying due to different incidents that occurred here in Yeshiva, I can tell you that the most effective solution And according to some the only practical solution to Real bullying. Is by 1. having the bully have a serious conversation with his parents, 2. help the bully in his own personal problems which Is almost always the reason why he is letting himself out on someone else, They also that often reason number two is only discovered after and through vision number one.
there is almost no other solution that actually works, so says Hanhala.
I would also like to point out that hanhala members that I spoke told me that they have tried many professional tactics in the past (20 plus years of experience) and most do not work practically.
My daughter in the local Crown Heights school has 27 to 30 girls in her class depending which part of the day In different parts of the day they have different classmates That makes it almost impossible if not impossible to properly monitor what is going on in the classroom in regards to learning and behavior I don’t how a school can do this according to halacha From what I understand it is totally in contradiction with halacha They have no right to do this. I think it might explain The high rate of girls dropping out of high school.
i think the main issue in yeshivos isa that they dont farbrang enough on the topic of ahavas yisral
I think the size of the class is a factor but is not the main issue. There are situations I know about where someone had 3 classmates and there was really bad bullying.
The main thing is that there’s an environment where children feel safe. If the teacher is intimidating students and not respecting them, you can’t expect students to respect each other. Sometimes the staff is very respectful to students and bullying still happens. In that situation, the victim needs someone to stand up for them. If the bully doesn’t receive the power they’re looking for, they’ll stop.
Someone mentioned in the comments training students how to deal with bullies is also very important. Training staff is just as important.
Getting parents involved can help but it’s not the ultimate solution.
Helping the bully with his problems also can be helpful but there still needs to be a zero tolerance policy for bullying at the same time.
If the environment is really accepting to every student, the victim should feel safe knowing that people will stand up for him and the bully should feel safe knowing that there are clear rules and consequences, plus someone to follow up to address his insecurities