By Rabbi Yitzchak Goldenberg – Lawrenceville, NJ

From the moment our eldest daughter was born, I often envisioned the day my wife and I would stand with her beneath the Chuppah. That image would occasionally surface over the years, becoming more vivid until the time was right to turn dreams into action.

My journey toward that moment unfolded gradually. Initially, I heard about friends’ children getting engaged—some older than I was—and over time, I realized those milestones were no longer distant. When it finally happened for us, we approached with excitement and optimism. Yet, I also heard stories of the challenges parents face in helping their children find a suitable match. I experienced some of these hurdles myself, though they were minimal compared to the immense blessings that accompanied this process. Now that our eldest is, Baruch Hashem, married, and we are working to find a match for our second, I’d like to share some reflections to assist the parents embarking on this path for the first time.

Small steps each day

At first, the idea of finding the right match felt overwhelming. Where does one begin? How does the desire to see your child under the Chuppah translate into actual steps? A friend offered a simple yet invaluable piece of advice: dedicate just 15–30 minutes each day to this effort. That small, consistent commitment transformed the process. Each day, I made a few calls, reached out to friends or shadchanim for suggestions, and followed up with references to build a clearer picture of potential matches. A structured approach kept the task manageable.

Parents and children need to be on the same page

Equally vital, is understanding your child’s perspective; spend time discussing their values, hopes, and non-negotiables. Sometimes, parental guidance can be crucial in helping a child identify what truly matters to them. This step may require patience to develop but is well worth the effort, as it helps prevent frustration and misunderstandings later on.

Shadchonim

While I’ve encountered some criticism of shadchanim, I must emphasize that those we worked with are kind and genuinely committed to helping. Many offered valuable guidance on navigating the nuances of the shidduch world. Their dedication is sincere, even if their suggestions aren’t always a perfect fit. Treat them with respect and appreciation; courteous and timely communication fosters stronger partnerships. Remember, there are many shadchanim—if one doesn’t align with your style, another likely will. In our journey, we received some excellent names through shadchanim, but also found valuable suggestions from acquaintances, friends, and family.

References

When reaching out about a prospective match, try to establish a rapport with the reference, making them feel at ease. This encourages openness and yields better information. Start by introducing yourself and the purpose of your call, asking when would be a good time for questions. When asking questions, instead of asking for a description of the person, pose open-ended questions and request examples to gain deeper insight. Listen carefully to what they share; this helps you form a mental profile of the individual’s personality and character.

And while on the topic of references, it may be helpful to have a friend of yours call your child’s references to check how they portray your child and whether they are the person best suited for this task. Choose individuals who know your child well, but who are also articulate and tactful.

Additionally, befriending newlyweds can be a helpful way to gather ideas and get honest feedback on names you’re considering. Whenever possible, I seek input from someone not listed on the resume, as they often provide the most valuable information.

Need for speed

Speed is often crucial in this process. Sometimes, a promising match can become no longer available within days. A helpful approach is “initial interest”: at this stage, you don’t need every detail—just a basic compatibility check. Make one or two calls to confirm basic compatibility, then ask the shadchan to inform the other family to consider your child. While they do their own research, continue exploring additional options as others may take their time, only to realize later that it’s not a fit. Stay proactive.

After the date

When your child has a date scheduled, take a deep breath. Use this quiet moment to say extra Tehillim and focus on gratitude. After the date listen attentively to your child’s feedback, supporting them without pressure as they navigate their feelings. Sometimes, clarity comes swiftly; other times, it takes a while. Encourage your child to trust their feelings. If, after some time, it still doesn’t feel right, be supportive in moving on. A trusted shadchan or a reputable dating coach can serve as a valuable sounding board during these moments.

May all navigating this journey experience clarity and success. Wishing everyone an easy, blessed shidduch process filled with Mazal and Bracha.