Comments on: Let’s Change the Reality of Our Shidduchim

By: Bitachon 101

Bitachon 101 — Sun, 05 Nov 2023 11:34:08 +0000

In reply to Author's Remark. Thanks for this bitachon booster! Admit the pain of the particular situation, expect that things will be better than ever, B’ezras Hashem. We need this reminder now more than ever! Mazal Tov in your recent wedding!!!

By: easy vs hard

easy vs hard — Fri, 03 Feb 2023 20:55:44 +0000

In reply to Thoughts.

“I’m going to start a business, and its going to be easy.”
“I’m going to go on shlichus, and it’s going to be easy.”
Said no one ever…

But maybe we can redefine easy and hard.
When something comes without effort, it’s hard in a sense. It’s hard to know that this is really what you want. The resistance that requires effort and work to push through, provides traction so you know you’re heading in the direction you really want to go.

(Back to the childbirth example: I’ve heard that people who have it quick and easy actually find it challenging since they dont have time to prepare, make sure they’re safe, etc. So that led me to think that maybe shidduchim that come with challenge can also be ‘easy’ in a different sense.)

Let me know what you think of this.

By: Optimism

Optimism — Thu, 02 Feb 2023 07:23:53 +0000

In reply to More thoughts.

There is one type of optimism that I think would have results: only when its directed towards a *specific person*. For example, think about the last shidduch suggestion you called off. Now, think about all the positive qualities that were there and think optimistically about your future with that specific person. Ignore the negative voices and create a positive reality with your positive thoughts. If your optimism is directed to a specific shidduch suggestion, I think that may lead somewhere… Otherwise i just dont see generic optimism going anywhere.

Maybe I’m just not optimistic enough? 🙂

By: More thoughts

More thoughts — Wed, 01 Feb 2023 06:24:47 +0000

Also,
The older singles I know are generally very optimistic. Yes, I’m sure everyone has their ups and downs, but generally, people are hopeful that the best is yet to come. Sadly or amazingly, the optimism can last for years and decades. So I don’t think that a lack of positivity is the problem or that more optimism is the solution.
Of course optimism feels good, and I’m pretty optimistic myself, but there’s gotta be something more here…
Many thoughts on this topic, but that’s it for now. Would love to hear from other singles on the matter.

By: Thoughts

Thoughts — Wed, 01 Feb 2023 05:58:22 +0000

Hi Chiena,
I don’t know you but I’m in the same situation, also trying to find my way through this challenge. I totally agree with your point about the need to be optimistic and hopeful. I just wonder about the belief that “…it’s going to be easy.”

I truly hope it will be, but I don’t think it’s an empowering mantra. The belief that it will be easy just doesn’t help build courage. It also doesn’t hold true over time. Meaning, at some point, it fizzles out and just doesn’t ring true.

Think of childbirth. Yes, some have it easy. We wish everyone did. But most find it difficult. Would it be more helpful to believe that ‘it’s going to be easy’ or ‘it may be hard but I can do it and it’s worth it.’

What do you think of this mantra instead: “Bez”H I’m going to get married and even if it’s hard I can do it. Hashem will help and it’ll be worth the effort.”

Happy to hear your thoughts and any others that you find helpful, Thank you.

By: Thank you for this article!

Thank you for this article! — Tue, 31 Jan 2023 16:44:14 +0000

I agree with every word, and I have been thinking the same recently!
Recently it’s been alot of “oysh the pain, the despair, the tears, the girls getting older”
Its exhausting and draining to hear that, and that isn’t the right attitude. Yes of course validate pain. But we need to speak with hope and joy about shidduchim and how everyone will find their bashert iyh.

Thank you so much for this article! So validating. Glad to see it!

By: Exactly the point of this article

Exactly the point of this article — Mon, 30 Jan 2023 16:31:45 +0000

In reply to Sad. Have you nothing positive to say? I’m sure you could if you tried.

By: Rochel bas Chana

Rochel bas Chana — Mon, 30 Jan 2023 13:49:32 +0000

Yasher Koach for a well written, spiritually and scientifically sound. May we see the of all Hashem abundant brochos in a revealed manner. Thank you for the refocus reminder. Looking forward to dancing at many simchas.

By: Sad

Sad — Mon, 30 Jan 2023 12:50:04 +0000

Sad how a story from hayom yom is considered a old tale and some random experiment that no knows really happened is called scientific

By: Author's Remark

Author's Remark — Mon, 30 Jan 2023 11:46:12 +0000

In reply to Wait a minute….

What you are saying is 100% totally valid and not at all a contradiction to this article.

As mentioned in the article, when someone is going through the shidduch stage and dealing with disappointments and setbacks, validate them.

The pain is real.

The point of this article is that even though we see many people hurting, our overall outlook should still be optimistic.

We shouldn’t use the fact that we may be seeing more girls and boys taking in longer in shidduchim than we saw previously to start making comments that paint the future and the outlook as being no longer optimistic.

Admit the pain, but keep strong in faith and belief that it will be good and it will be easy.

Hashem can easily make things go from not easy to easy in a second.

Especially if we trust that He can!

By: Great words! Very wise

Great words! Very wise — Mon, 30 Jan 2023 02:36:56 +0000

Very to the point

By: Wait a minute...

Wait a minute... — Mon, 30 Jan 2023 01:48:16 +0000

In reply to Great article.

Are we always supposed to be happy?
Are you always happy?
Can we not ever have a bad day?

This is a large part of the problem with the shidduch system today. People making quick assumptions based off a 30 second first impression. Furthermore, why do we always have to be happy if we are not. We want to get married and not finding a solution.

Would you expect someone who hasn’t had a child for 10 years to be happy? I sure hope not.

By: Great article

Great article — Sun, 29 Jan 2023 20:42:49 +0000

If you hold your head high and are generally happy, others will view you as somebody they would love their son, daughter, friend to marry.
Walk around feeling blue, and someone might think twice, do I really want this person for my single?
We can ,and all should, be looking out for the singles in our lives. Even if I’m not an official shadchan, I might still know the perfect one for you.

AN IDEA that might help.
You’ve gone out with many perspective matches, and may have met a great person who just isn’t for you. But s/he might be perfect for your friend. What if the singles, girls and boys separately, would make a point of getting together monthly or so, looking around the room and saying, “hey I just met someone you might be interested in”.
After all you know your friend better than any shadchan possibly could.
And maybe right now make a Goodwill donation to Ten Yad and KSCvK, with a note that you want to support them, so that Iy”H very soon they should be helping you.
Let’s hear the MazalTovs very soon